Local Girl Gets Lost En Route to Pequaywan Musical

by Micky O'Shea

"Arrgggghh!!! Why are they doing this to me?!?! Where is this place? Those guys totally gave me the wrong directions!!! It says to stay on Normana Rd... but there's two freakin' Normana Roads!!!

"Grrraarrrghh!!! I'm gonna squash those guys!! Why didn't they tell me to go to the right place! Wait, is that it? I think this is the place, but how come nobody's here??? They probably told everyone I was coming and everyone took off. 'Oooh, look out, Micky's coming, I don't like her, none of us do, let's leave and have the play somewhere else.' That's probably what they said. They probaly moved the play somewhere else after they found out I was coming so they wouldn't have to hang out with me. It's all politics.

"Roooaarrr!!! I'm not gonna talk to them until they apologize for this. Stupid jerks!"

Pequaywanie Musical Underway

Everybody's fave lake monster is lacing up his tap shoes and hittin' the stage. "The Best Little Bordello in North Star Township" is set to premiere next month at the Rice Lake Town Hall. Set in the turn of the 20th century, the musical spotlights a simple Pequaywan Lake logging community and their 2,000 pound secret. "I hope it proves to be reminiscent of a classic Broadway musical, a throwback to the old days," enthuses the play's director, Jeb Tossey. Starring Broadway veteran Nathan Lane as "Big-haired Woman" and Eileen Quinn as "The Hester Prynn Eyed Dog," the show features 11 original musical numbers, including "Lake Monster Pequaywanie" and "At the Pequaywan Tavern." Pequaywanie, the lovable green, 35 foot oaf that he is, will be puppeteered by 16 actors working together inside a Pequaywanie suit. "Will Pequaywanie be cutting a rug, dancing a few steps?" Tossey laughs. "Oh, you won't be disappointed." Ticket prices for "The Best Little Bordello in North Star Township" run from $45-75, $76 if you want a hamburger.

Drug Mules Present Problem to US Agents

Sources report that the Drug Enforcement Administration is currently investigating another possible instrumentality of drug trafficking. According to reports, DEA officials are tracking the movements of dozens of mules, which they believe may be acting as drug mules. According to DEA Agent Emile Quincampoix, the mules began their journey near Medellin in Colombia and have traveled through Panama, Costa Rica, and have recently entered Nicaragua. According to Quincampoix, it is somewhat unorthodox to use actual mules as drug mules, though drug cartels are constantly inventing new ways to move quantities of drugs across borders. Unnamed sources at the DEA suspect that the slow pace the mules are employing is actually a tactic to divert interest and suspicion in the mules. Agents do plan to continue to track the mules' slow, meandering, rambling progress, however. “In a few months, they could reach Mexico. From there, the next stop is the United States,” says Quincampoix. “Should the mules reach our border, we will conduct a thorough search, as we always do to prevent drug mules like these mules from bringing drugs into the US.”

Ulli Lankur

The Spade wishes a Happy 32nd Birthday to Ulli Lankur. Additionally, congrats on your new stash.

Competition

Looking to capitalize on the Spade's temporary, paper-based hiatus, the publication "Milk" has taken hold in Duluth. It seems to be done in an underground spirit, but has a very corporate feel to it. For the time being, I think that another underground paper in Duluth is a good thing. However, when the Spade returns to power in the summer, we will crush them like the ants they are. Superior Street will run white with the blood of this high-calcium publication.
Steven R. Auro

Man Has Minor Stroke at Duluth 10

Cloquet resident Mark Denzler thought everything was fine while waiting in line at Duluth 10 Saturday night. "I was standing there, and the ticket guy said, 'Now seating, all theaters.' So I went to walk in, through this throng of people. They were coming from every direction - the kind of mob that pushes ahead with elbows. Then I got to the front of the line, and the ticket guy tells me 'We're not seating theater 2 yet, sorry.' I couldn't understand it. I was really sad to have been through that turmoil, all in vain. The next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance."

According to manager Herm Johnson, strokes have been relatively rare at Duluth 10. The new layout is designed for maximum aerobic stimulation. To encourage pushing and shoving, no queing system has been provided. Additionally, extra long "lines" ensure that everyone spends the maximum time on their feet. Johnson believes that Denzler's stroke may have been caused by an excess amount of stress. "The serfs...er, ahem, people, all get stressed when we make them stand in line right up until showtime and then provide them with an exceptionally unclean theater to sit in. But who knows better what's good for the people - themselves, or Duluth's largest cinematic monopoly? I think we all know the answer to that one. CEC provides what's best for us all."

Denzler is in fair condition at St. Mary's Medical Center.

Big and Hairy

You can say there's no such thing as Sasquatch, but as for Dabnis Brickey, he believes. The local university student claims he can offer proof that Sasquatch, or perhaps Big Foot, inhabits the woods of northern Minnesota. "I was just going for a stroll along Moogie's Lake and there he was across the water, in all his Sasquatch glory!" says Brickey, a graduate student in the Earth Science program at Fon Du Lac Tribal and Community University. "He was about 10 or 11 feet tall, with a dark auburn coat and opposable thumbs. He made a glorious roar when he spotted me, then dashed back into the clove of birch trees." A little further down Sheridan Drive, Brickey found small bits of chicken wire and sealant foam, a discovery which he claims is ample evidence of the "monster." "I sense there may be more than one of this beautiful beast," says Brickey. "I really believe we can peacefully co-exist in the Northland." Brickey is also the author of "We Need A Few More Rednecks: The Techtonic Relocation of Appalachia."

A Spike Lee Joint

(Los Angeles)

According to movie insiders, Spike Lee is producing yet another new sports movie titled, "The Goal". It is about a young boy from the ghettos of Rio de Janeiro who grows up to be the next great Brazilian soccer star. The movie apparently will apparently star former Saved By The Bell castmember Mario Lopez, and will feature cameos by current Brazilian footballers Ronaldo, Romario, Denilson, Rivaldo and Roberto Carlos.

Unlike one or two past Spade articles, this is 100% true.

I would like to share with our readers that this is perhaps the "person" whom irks me the most in life. It was originally printed in the UMD Statesman, and I am overjoyed that someone else shares my thoughts.

Ulli

Kitchen Accident Nearly Turns Deadly

A minor kitchen accident on Tuesday left an area man thankful to escape with his life. Diego Moreno suffered a small cut to his finger while cutting the stems off of some strawberries. “It started bleeding a little bit. If I had severe hemophilia, I could possibly have bled to death. It’s scary.”

“There was absolutely nothing life-threatening about this injury.” Dr. Thomas Van Deelen responded. “No danger whatsoever. It was a minor cut that required a small band-aid for the 8 - 10 minutes that the cut bled. Even if Mr. Moreno had hemophilia, a minor injury like this would not have been life-threatening in the least.”

For his part, Mr. Moreno is grateful. “I’m just happy to be alive. I mean, who knows if my mother came from some inbred European monarchs?”

Fierce Weather Descends on Duluth

(St. Paul)

The latest reports from the State Weather Service (SWS) indicate that a nasty Mongolian Dry Line is bearing down on the region. This type of Mongolian Front is unusual in the Midwest, but will have significant effects in Duluth because of its proximity to Lake Superior.

Mongolian Dry Lines have been rare during the past several decades. They are characterized by a type of hail resulting from swirling winds and the mixing of cold and freezing temperatures. Hail found in Mongolian Dry Lines is typically shaped like a knife, and can range from 1 – 3” in diameter and 4 – 6” in length. The SWS will issue weather advisories as the storm approaches. The hail resulting from this storm may puncture roofs, car windows, and skin. The SWS advises that affected residents wear leather clothing should they need to go outdoors. The SWS also advises that residents in the Duluth area stock up on protective leather headwear.

Traumatic Event at Local University

Duluth, MN

A student, fresh off winter break, suddenly went ape in the main hallway of UMD. Eyewitnesses feared for their lives. They described the incident as grossly disturbing. Jaun Ramone, the student in question, lost his cool “after seeing the 700th person roll by figuring out how to use their new iPod.” The incident was deeply rooted in Jaun not getting an iPod for Christmas. It was “all that I asked for, and instead I received socks and a set of snow tires.” He was appreciative of the gifts, but stated “Why can I not have something fun? I am a fun guy, really.” Another factor leading to Jaun's assault of a fellow student was the fact that he considers himself “a pioneer in the MP3 game.” The battered student intends to press charges for the severe beating she received and the public humiliation. She also seeks replacement of her broken iPod.

Pangea Responsible For Inter-Family Relations

A local grad student is publishing an earth-shaking, literally, thesis about the commonwealth of Munger, MN. Dabnis Brickey, a graduate student in the Earth Science program at Fond Du Lac Tribal and Community College has theorized that Munger was deposited here quite supernaturally during the shifting and developing of continents known as Pangea. "It has never really made sense why the socio-economic makeup of Munger is strikingly different from its surrounding communities, metropoli such as Proctor, Pike Lake, Twig, Branch, and so on and so forth," Brickey says. "I have come to the educated conclusion that Munger was once a part of West Virginia, more specifically, Appalachia." Brickey explains that this is the reason for the abundance of incestuous relationships and jug band hoe downs at the Town Hall. Excerpts of Brickey's thesis, "We Need A Few More Rednecks: The Techtonic Relocation of Appalachia" will be published in future editions of the Raging Spade.

Brainless Woman Plans Duluth-Superior Monorail

Wanda Smith, an admitted dimwit, rolled out plans for a regional monorail today. Smith’s plan calls for two primary monorail lines. The first line would run along the bay from West Duluth, through Downtown, and to East Duluth. Smith dubbed this line the ‘Shore Line’. Smith explained that the Shore Line would be built with future plans to extend it to Proctor, Cloquet, and Two Harbors.

The second line would start in Superior, travel across the bay, and would end in Hermantown. Smith called the second line the ‘Harbor Line’. The Harbor Line could be extended to Pike Lake, Twig, and Ashland, according to Smith.

The mayors of Duluth and Superior were quick to point out that no logical planning took place prior to Smith’s big rollout for the monorail plans. “This woman basically took a map of the region, and drew on it with crayons,” according to a prepared statement issued by both mayors. The statement went on to discuss costs. “Ms. Smith pegs the cost of this monorail at about 2.3 billion dollars for each line. Not only is that more than the net value of all the real estate in the entire region, but our engineers believe it may be a faulty estimate. To top that off, we’d need about 500,000 news residents to meet Ms. Smith’s ridership projections. And their dogs.”

Smith was quick to defend the monorail. “Take the Shore Line. My estimates show that the monorail would probably only fall off the track 5-6 times per year, and even then, only 2-3 times over open water. That’s fewer accidents than happen with cars. That’s saving lives.”

No one from the Federal Transit Authority, who would be responsible for 25% of the cost of the monorail, was available for comment. Smith intends to submit the plans for funding by the February 17th deadline.

New Yorkers Turn Into Bunch of Pansy-Ass Wussies

The unusually warm fall and early winter season in the northeast U.S. is being blamed for a mass outbreak of Wussitis in New York City. A city normally filled with bad asses and punks, the city has now become a metropolis of whining little bitches.

"Yo Dawg!!! It's mad cold out here, son" exclaimed Marlon Williams, a local gang leader last Thursday night when the temperature in Manhattan dropped to 14 degrees (12 below the normal). "Dis shizzo is wack, bro. 'S gotta be like 20 below out here o' sumpin. My niggaz can't even be rockin' their Sean John beanies. Da Old Man (Winter) needs to stop frontin', yo."

John Etchberger, the head ER physician at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center says he has never seen an outbreak of Wussitis in New York this large in quite some time. "People are really reacting very poorly to these temperatures. But I think this about the average temperature for New York. I don't understand it.

Jacob Steinman, a Duluth physician also commented on the outbreak. "Wait, what's the temperature? 14? Well, yeah, I guess that's sort of chilly. What? That's the low? 14??? I'd be wearing hot pants right now if it was 14. It hasn't been 14 since Sept 29th! I thought those New Yorkers were tough . . . what a bunch of pussies."

Unfortunately, for New Yorkers, the situation may get worse before it gets better. A blizzard warning has been isssued for the NYC area with 12" of snow expected and wind chills below zero. With more snow and 20 degree temperatures forecasted for next week, New York may be put under quarantine by the CDC.

DTA Bus Plows Into Wabasha Bookstore

(Duluth) 5:05 PM – A partially filled DTA bus drove directly into Wabasha Books at 4:37 PM today, strewing porn across several City blocks. No one was injured in the crash. At this time, DTA bus driver Tom Johannsen is in Police Custody. Johannsen was heavily intoxicated at the time of the crash.

Brad Nadeau, owner of Wabasha Books, stated that all damaged products were insured. However, Nadeau believes that because the driver was at fault, the City will have to pay to replace his entire lost stock of porn. “People are picking the porn up out of the streets. I can’t begin to clean it up with all this snow. It’s like a free-for-all out there. Tons and tons of free porn. And the City’s buying. Your tax dollars at work!”

Several DTA customers have gone on record anonymously discussing Johannsen’s unhealthy obsession with porn. One customer stated, “Johannsen was always talking about how great Wabasha was. I guess he really liked the private booths, but he was also pretty interested in their selection of erotic books.”

Zebra

Check out this Frick! I don't even know what to make of those stripes.

1880 Census

It is a little known fact that the 1880 Census was more detailed than any US Census before its time, and that no Census since 1880 has been as detailed. In particular, the 1880 Census included very specific data regarding individual occupations.

Not too many people in 2004 spend much time thinking about 1880. Even fewer people think about the fact that there were a significant number of people working in the field of dead animal removal.

If you were a regular, wealthy person in 1880, you traveled by stagecoach. Pulled by horses. So what would you do if one of those horses had a heart attack in the middle of the street? You weren't going to call the vet. Unlike a dead car, a dead horse can't be resurrected. By an average wealthy person, anyway. So you'd leave it there, in the middle of the street, for the dead animal removal specialists to clean up. Horses are freaking heavy, too. Heavy as a car.

No joke. This was a huge occupation in 1880. If I could go back in time, I'd gather all kinds of dead animals and put them in the street. It would be a new, fabulous kind of littering.

Weather Prompts Some to Move

The recent cool wave, highlighted by a reading of -54 degrees F in Embarrass, has prompted some residents to move to better locations. Mrs. Lundegaard, an elderly local woman, used to reside at 720 W. 2nd Street. "I just couldn't take the weather there," she muttered, and then continued. "Cold, bitter, snow, ice...well, I had to move. I found an okay place where the weather should be much nicer." Mrs. Lundegaard is moving to 4230 Regent Street on the East End.

Mrs. Lundegaard became quite excited when asked about her new residence. "The weather's so much more predictable now. When I expect cold, I get cold - not cool, not artic. Cold." Mrs. Lundegaard then proceeded to do a snow dance, round and round her living room. Promptly forgetting that she did so, she quickly changed the topic to her relatively small, but growing, goiter.

One landlord believes the shift to the East End might be a good thing for the residents. "Truly, the weather is more predictable over there. Without some regulation, these old folks probably won't last long."

Fresh Start for a New Semester

A Minnesota student decided this week to start off the new semester with a new font. “I use my laptop in all of my classes. For my first year of school, I used the old standard: Times New Roman. Last semester, I used Times New Roman for one class and Arial for the others. But, I mean, Times New Roman and Arial are so common. It’s all I ever see. I wanted a change. So I decided, new semester, new font. There were a lot of appealing choices. I like Verdana, but it was a little too big. Fewer words fit on each line. Same problem with Courier New.” After much soul-searching, the woman chose Franklin Gothic Book. “Nimbus Script was tempting, but it was a little too fancy. And you can’t really read it. In the end, Franklin Gothic Book seemed like an OK choice.”

Local Man Makes Terrible Mistake

"Listen, it was an honest mistake. I'm an educated man, I just got confused." And most days this explanation would have been sufficient, but not on Martin Luther King Day. This reporter can relate to his confusion, but it really is no excuse. I mean, honestly, one is a high-ranking cabinet official and the other is a reality show burnout.

"I'm sorry. I know the difference between Condoleeza Rice and Omarosa. I just saw that Burger King commercial and I thought it was really weird that Ms. Rice would promote one fast food chain over the other, much less imply that she was working in that office with those stooges. I really wish that I hadn't said it out loud."

The man's wife, despite being very distraught, was willing to take the time to speak to this publication. "I really don't know what to do about this. I love him and all, but I'm really thing to distance myself from this gaffe. How could he possibly make this mistake? Especially on Martin Luther King Day.

The man finished with this, "Sorry Condi, sorry Omarosa. It was an honest mistake, and it won't happen again." I, for one, don't think that's good enough.

Steven R. Auro

Who The F Does Sean Think He Is?

Erik Lundegaard, Steven R Auro, Ulli Lankur, and myself, Kate Oblonsky -- all correspondents for The Raging Spade. Proud of our work, and unafraid of public scrutiny, we put our names out there in the interest of journalistic integrity. So who does Sean F. think he is? Is he so important that he can just use an initial? He's no Ice-T. Or J. Lo. Or P. Diddy. Or even A Martinez. So, Sean F., you better put your last name up. Stand behind your work. That's all I'm saying. And you won't get another warning. I want to see a last name up post haste. If it's not up by Wednesday, January 19...well, let's just say...you will cccuuurrrse the day you did not do...alllllll that Kate Oblonsky aaasked of youuuuu...

Sports Adage Comes True

This just in: Offense wins games, but defense still wins Championships.

Dance Revolution

Dance Revolution for the Xbox is sweeping the nation, accoring to a recent report in The Proctor Financial Times. There, Julio Jaquez is quoted as saying "I played it until I fell over. I sweat so much, I think I lost 10 pounds. And it was fun, pure fun. It doesn't take any great skill, you just need two legs. Actually, you only need one leg. They're coming out with a version for amputees."

When asked whether the game was catching on among his peers, Jaquez exclaimed that "Everyone's playing. My parents even wanted in on the action, but I told them to take it easy. Dad's pretty arthritic. My friends think the game is better than playing with an assegai, which is a slender javelin or spear of the Bantu-speaking people of southern Africa!"

This trend isn't being ignored by investors. Friday, the stock of Dance Revolution soared as thousands of copies flew from the shelves. Analysts expect slow sales on Monday, because most people will be extra tired from the many hours spent dancing over the weekend.

Proctor is Dying

Proctor is dying. No one can argue that. They how and the why of its death, however, are in contention. It might be just that no one cares about the City anymore. Maybe they never did - any city that gets it start as a pure company town could face the same pressure. It could be the slow diminution of the railroad, but probably not. That's been a foregone conclusion for a long time. More than likely, it is happening because of factors out of our hands. That's frustrating, because here is this place where people have had those rare moments of pure adrenaline and great sadness, have prospered, suffered, lived, and died, and it's going to waste. The community is slowing letting go of its biggest investments of both the physical and personal kind.

It's a shame, and I guess that's all you can say. And a barren residential community is all that's going to follow.

Free Republic of Duluth

This is actually a web site, a movement. I'm not making this up. Check out the site: www.freeduluth.com


So what can we do to help this movement? I picture Duluth as a modern city-state, similar to the Athens of old. I'll post ideas for how we can work to scede as they arise.

Blogmaster Needed

Blogmaster S: Could you please change the background (and/or) font colors so we can tell who writes which posts? We do not all have Elf eyes.

Todd Bertuzzi was my hero, but now he isn’t

What he did was weak and dirty. I was ashamed for all of hockey on that day. I love the Avalanche, but I loved Bert more. OK, Todd is a monster of a man, so why did he not display enough marbles to look Steve Moore in the face when he hit him? I don’t understand it. The only thing that comes to mind is intent to injure. I mean. They were so mad about Moore’s hit on Naslund, but uh, after seeing a thousand times, all I can say is that it was a good hit. Naslund could actually see Moore, and that is all the difference. It will be sad if Moore is unable to play, and if he is not, I think that Bertuzzi should remain suspended for one more year (a year they actually play).

Ulli

Helpful information

To assist Mr. Auro, I've attached the following link about ninjas. I think the news about ninjas might be becoming overrated, unfortunately. Anyway, here's the site.

http://www.realultimatepower.net

Local Man Dies from Cold

Sean Freising, 27, of Duluth, died today, resulting from the freaking cold weather, and a general lack of Pequaywanie-blubber to burn for warmth.

Two Harbors Woman Happy for Wilson

Two Harbors resident, Betsy Larson, 52, is very pleased with the way Carnie Wilson is looking lately. "I was so worried for her for so long", Larson stated. "I was watching Oprah a few weeks ago and I saw Carnie on there and she just looked so great. I remember when she had that stomach surgery to make her skinnier, but I hadn't really heard much about her since. I was just so impressed at how skinny she is. I mean geez, she's smaller than me now!"

Larson went on to discuss how much she feared for Carnie over the last 10 years. "I remember praying for Carnie every night before I went to bed. I just kepth thinking, 'Carnie, I know that there is pain, but you need to hold on for one more day.' I think that all my positive thinking and praying may have helped Carnie lose all that weight. Either that or her surgery."

Wilson is not the first celebrity who's weight Larson has worried over. According to friends and family members Larson has had similar fears for celebs like Sarah Feguson, Matthew Perry, and Collin Ventrella.

Aquarium to be leased to High bidder

The troubled and reportedly worthless aquarium is planning to sell off their fish by the pound. Some analysts have claimed that sturgeon meat could bring in as much as $20 an ounce. The spines, or spikes, on the back of the fish can be ground up and sold as cough syrup in rural areas of eastern Siberia.

Once the current tenants are chopped up and sold, the task comes to leasing the building. There is much speculation as to who would be interested in it. The dreaded tourism board will surely want to have their piece of the pie. I have two words STRIP JOINT! Duluth needs a real state of the art nudie bar. No more late night sobering runs to Scanlon. This would be the real thing. Locals would not have to run to the Vu in the cities to see real non scary girls. That is just my suggestion if you have others, let them be known.

Ulli

The South May Rise Again!

(New Orleans)

The South may rise again, according to recent reports from New Orleans, Louisiana. "These damned beignets are doing me in," cried local man Jim Olenruud in horror. "The servers just keep yelling 'Le sud montera encore!', repeating it over and over... it's driving me mad!" It's clear that Olenruud is suffering from a classic case of the South rising again.

Fortifications at Duluth City Hall are still light. According to Sergeant Jim Kingsley, the force still has faith in their superior weaponry. "Their pitchforks, machetes, and sabres are no match for the tasers we recently purchased. Thank god we kept those tasers in the budget. I've got orders, though, to begin cordoning off portions of the City the minute we see a ship flying the Stars and Bars from the top of the Radisson," said Kingsley, with not a hint of waver in his voice.


Kingsley is in charge of all ground and nautical fortifications in the case of a full assault by the South. It is advised that all residents of surrounding rural areas seek shelter in Duluth between the area bounded by West 10th Avenue, East 15th Avenue, and 2nd Street. Kingsley explained the reason for this as follows, unedited: "Those good-for-nothing Southerners have infiltrated parts of the rural Arrowhead region. Especially in areas of Munger. You have to watch out. God dammit, lives are at stake. The South HAS infiltrated certain portions of those areas. Our information is good. Just keep your eyes open. Look for the Stars and Bars. And if you smell Southern cooking...well. Those freaking symbols... the signs are unmistakable. The South is everywhere, and it's closing in. By land or by sea, we know they're coming."

Kingsley was fairly certain the South wouldn't arrive by air. The latest intelligence reports indicated that air travel has not yet been discovered in the South.

Be on the look out for anyone who might be from the South. Should you see anyone who looks like they are from the South, please call your local police authority immediately.

Local Man Faces Music

Proctor, MN:

A local man stepped up today to show the whole sports-watching nation a lesson. The man, who shall remain anonymous, is what you would have to consider a serious Packer fan. After witnessing a rather unfortunate display on Sunday, the man was certainly down in spirits, but not pride. (Quotes were largely assumed/made up) "Well, after the Packers beat the Vikings in the first game, I went to the Power House to give some of the Viking fans a good-natured ribbing. Then, after the Packers beat the Vikings in the second game, well, I went to the Power House to give some of the Viking fans a less-than-good-natured-ribbing."

Now, these certainly aren't shocking or impressive actions. However, what the man did today was. "Well, the thing is, when my team goes down, I don't duck and run. I don't say, 'Oh, I'm happy they lost, I want them to fire the coach.' I also don't say, 'Well, the quarterback sucks, I want him off the team.' More importantly, after they win, I don't say, 'No big deal, they're going to lose in the next game anyway.' When they lose, I go in and I face the music." So what did he do? He visited the Power House again. He stood in with the Viking fans and faced their wrath. He took all they had to offer.

Now that, sports fans, is a man.

Steven R. Auro

Woman Startled

A Minnesota woman was startled when she walked out her front door to find a man standing on her porch. "I was on my way out to watch the Vikings trounce the Packers at a friend's place. I guess I must have been looking down when I opened the door, because as I stepped out onto the porch and started to turn to lock the door, I noticed a man standing on the porch. Just standing there," said the woman. "It's not even a big porch. It's really small, actually."

As it happens, the man was not a killer. "I was really startled at first. I startle easily. And hilariously. I bet my face would have been really funny. But I couldn't see it. I guess it really wouldn't have been funny if he attacked me. As it happens though, it was just my landlord's lackey waiting to show the upstairs apartment to someone."

Asked if the incident will change the way she walks out her front door in the future, the woman said, "Well, maybe. I mean, if it was a clown or a centaur or a ninja instead of a lackey, I might not be here today. I surely wouldn't."

Arrival

Yes, I have arrived, and I am sorry for not being prompt. I seem to have my own concept of time, which is not an unfamiliar idea. There are many things that I have to say.

First: The mission of this blog will have to be changed if you hope to have my continued contribution (and logically you do, because I am quite kick-ass). The only service I will be providing to Duluth's freaky-ass child murdering population will be a ninja-induced head removal and the sweet totally insane guitar wailing that always accompanies such ninja acts. I demand that this be changed at once, and I expect results.

Second: The Packers lost today, thus culminating my most disappointing football season in recent memory. All of my teams sucked, and God hates me.

Third: I have chosen Erik Lundegaard as my nemesis. Screw you, Erik Lundegaard.

Fourth: The ultimate source of ninja knowledge on the web seems to have disappeared. This will give you a short overview, however: http://thecrimsonninja.tripod.com/ninjas.html The moral of the story is, the 3 Ninjas blew. They were pansy little wannabees, and I'm confident that when they reached the age of 18, they were all summarily torn up by ninjas, because ninjas are too honorable to kill little kids, except when it's necessary. If you disagree with me, I would be careful, because ninja will probably cut your face up real nice, and then wail hard on his guitar.

That is all for now. Again, I expect the mission of the blog to be changed. Until then, I will be busy hating Erik Lundegaard, what a poseur.
Steve

Vikings Win!

Well, well. 31-17. Take that Spade Editor. You hater.

How do they make movies about ninjas?

How are they able to film movies about ninjas if they are so stealthy? That is the question I have asked myself for as long as movies about ninja’s have been around. I mean, did Haru, the great white ninja, slow down to let them film Beverly Hills Ninja? I mean come on; Haru has to be the quickest ninja that ever walked this earth. Have they invented some sort of time shifting camera? I really hope that they pay the fine ninjas to let their presence be known to the world. I mean, all those kids in the Three Ninja Franchise can never be incognito again. Their true face has been revealed to all. I am also concerned for the W.O.O.F.N., The World Organization for Free Ninjas. I really hope that they are compensated from these films. I mean, how else are they going to pay for the pension plan for past their prime ninjas? If any one can help me out, please do.

Ulli

Huge Ninja Statues

Old Mission Statements

1/20/05 Dedicated to the dissemination of all information regarding Ultra Bitch 2000.
1/19/05 Dedicated to the destruction of all artifacts from the 1759 Siege of Quebec.
1/17/05 Dedicated to the construction of a magma-filled tunnel between the Twin Cities and Duluth
1/15/05 Dedicated to the construction of a 250 foot ninja statue smack in the middle of the DECC parking lot.
1/13/05 Dedicated to serving the local clown population.
1/05/05 Page opens. Dedicated to the Raging Spade, forever.

Ninja Quota

I feel as though the Spade may need a special Ninja correspondent, for many reasons. First of all, ninjas are all around us. Just because you don't think there is a ninja hiding behind that desk over there doesn't mean he's not going to jump out and cut your head off whenever he pleases. Secondly, ninjas have appeared to be a pretty regular topic, mostly because we are a group of the select few that are actually aware of ninjas' constant presence in our every day life. Because of this, I think we need to better address the public on the subject of ninjas. I myself am too busy with my gene monosecularization project and this String BS to put in the necessary energy needed to spearhead this project. But I encourage one (or many) of our other writers to pick up the slack. Go get 'em Spaders!

Thin Ice Okay for Ninjas

The latests reports show that thin ice is still dangerous for most people. Portions of Duluth's harbor are now frozen, and to best serve Duluth residents, several shanty-type restaurants have been erected upon the surface of the lake. Most residents, unfortunately, are too fat to safely reach the many fine establishments built upon the harbor.

Fat and average-sized people can't safely trod upon ice until it is at least 1 foot thick, according to studies completed by Dave Smith of the University of Minnesota. Ninjas, however, are able to trod upon as little as 1 inch of ice without breaking through. It is their agility that gives them such a desirable characteristic.

Linda Wagner of Twig cited a problem with the average person's ability and a ninja's ability. She stated that last year, her illicit Canadian lover fell through the ice. Wagner alleges that she called out to three nearby ninjas, and the only response she received was for the ninjas to stealthily sneak away.

The local police stated that there are no city ordinances requiring ninjas to help persons in need, even when those ninjas have an implied ability to do so. Sergeant Jim Howe stated that "No ninja can be expected to help a hopeless average or fat person. The person should just be lucky to remain alive, knowing that a ninja is near."

The studies conducted by Prof. Smith and UMD were paid for by the Duluth Tourism Board.

Nascar in Duluth

Duluth needs Nascar. Nascar needs Duluth. So why not? The only thing preventing Nascar from coming to Duluth is those damn dirty hippies. There's been lots of talk about putting a golf course at Spirit Mountain. I think a Nascar track, from 1 to 2.5 miles in length, would be a great fit for Spirit Mountain. Nascar is getting more popular, while golf is getting less popular. Plus, it might help us get more support from the President. Everyone knows that G.W. is a huge Nascar fan! I'm sure it would also help the local beer market, which could use a boost. People always say Duluth is about the boats. I say it's about the cars! The Nas-cars! There's lots of people who agree with me, too. Cars are sweet, that's what I always say. The louder the better.

Spade's hiatus

As the Spade's most educated reporter, I plan to use this time off to do further research on my unified string theory. However, the recent Pequaywanie developments have interested me. I've sent my colleague from Stanford, Dr Celikant to investigate. Hopefully everything will go well, and Quanie will swim and eat fisherman in peace.

Lake Monster Pequaywanie

Do you think any mortal could intimidate Pequaywanie? What a feat that would be. If anyone could do it, I would guess it would be, like, Marcia Cross or Eartha Kitt.

Remember that great song that came out last summer called "Lake Monster Pequaywanie" to the tune of "Building a Mystery"? Good times.

Pequaywanie?

Pequaywanie. Was there ever a sea monster like you? Did any other sea monster have the same soft, shiny scales? Never before have I felt a forked tongue so soft.

Pequaywanie, do you have trouble with all the hair in your stomach? The News Tribune reported that you ate a few poodles. How is your digestion? Can I offer you some tums?

Maybe eating some greens would be good for your heart, Pequaywanie. I will offer you some lettuce down by the shore, near the resort. Perhaps a few greens and a little R & R will do you good.

The Vikings

So the Vikes get a playoff game. That's great. Just great. So they can throw another one. Great. Remember Burleson's great dropped pass? Yeah, that was great. I'd like to throw this out there: why not just forfeit, and give the Packers a bye? Why not? They're not going to win, so why not save the Packers from all that wear and tear, give them a week to rest, and maybe the Pack can do something in the playoffs. Friggin Vikings.

Pequaywanie, Part One

Pequaywanie - The mystical beast of the North

July 2005!?

What am I supposed to do until July 2005? The Raging Spade is my primary source of news. OK. Now that I realize that it actually is 2005 now, I guess that's not such a terribly long hiatus. Instead of writing for The Raging Spade in that time, I guess I'll devote my energy to developing...no, further developing my ninja skills.

Free Republic of Duluth

I just came across this website. I'd say that it's mission might fit under our own, based on the article "NE MN to Secede" that was published in our first issue.

http://www.freeduluth.com/

The Raging Spade Returns

It's been awhile. But the Spade is back, hopefully with a vengeance. To any disgruntled writers, it is time to put aside your hate and start writing. Welcome back.