Sunday, September 25

Williamson Displays Mental Powers

Kent Williamson, a Cloquet resident born and raised, has been balding since he was about 18. He'd lost most of his hair by age 31. Williamson, however, is not taking this inevitable physiological change to his head sitting down. Now 38, Williamson has stood up, and claims, "I'll be damned if I won't just will my hair to grow back!"

Williamson believes strongly in his mental prowess. Many of his claims may seem preposterous, but hearing him tell his 'stories' gives credence to his apparent madness.

"At one point," he said, attempting to avoid the pointless blathering that often seeps into his speech, "I willed a person I disliked to make a fool of himself in public, by walking into a pole. He'd been drinking - no doubt about that. So, walking alongside the dope, I thought 'boy, I hope he walks into a pole'. I swear, not 10 seconds went by, and BAM, he hits a pole!"

"The next time it happened, I was out of the area - in Green Bay, at a casino. Now, I know how this sounds. But I willed this nice old lady to win. We'd been playing slots side-by-side all day, and she told me about her husband, the cancer, the story of her dog and a moose... well, it was just terrible. As I was leaving, I thought to myself (strongly), 'wouldn't it be great if she could only win $1,800 to put a bounty out on that moose.' And BAM, it happened as I was walking away. She won $1,810 in nickels. It was that night that it dawned on me - I could regrow my hair using my mental powers."

Local scientist Dave Smith disputes Williamson's beliefs. "There's a better chance of that Chesney fellow ending up in the White House than him regrowing any hair. Sure, some people could do it, but they'd need a really huge brain. Not only that, but their head would need to be the right shape. Williamson doesn't fit the mold."

Williamson believes he has already grown back 14 hairs. He plans to document the process with his new digital camera, and show it on his website. And, in a move already appreciated throughout Cloquet, he has completely discontinued use of spray-on hair.

Wednesday, September 21

Incident in Local Parking Lot Scary for a Minute, Then Really Funny

An area woman was scared for a brief moment this Friday at 11:30 p.m. when a man shouted, “Bitch!” from an upstairs window of a local residence.

“A friend and I were leaving another friend’s apartment at about 11:30. We stopped to talk in the parking lot. Not super loud, mind you. And this guy just shouts “Bitch!” out the window. It was clearly directed at me.”

The man’s face wasn’t seen, but his comment was unmistakable.

“He definitely yelled ‘Bitch!’” said the woman’s friend.

“It made me a little nervous at first. I didn’t want to get sniped from the upstairs of this place. So we wrapped up our conversation and headed for the car.” Once safely in the vehicle, the woman “laughed hysterically, and for a long time. It was super funny. I mean, this stranger just shouted “Bitch!” out of his window at me. Awesome.”

Saturday, September 3

Washed up squirrel

A rabid squirrel the size of a porcupine washed up on the shores of Park Point Beach this morning. It was discovered by a small child named Alfred who poked it with a large stick until it stirred. The boy then ran and got his father, who promptly called the Humane Society. Although no one knows what caused the beast to grow so large, many have speculated bloating from the water or being overfed by tourists' garbage. A representative of Duluth's chapter of the Humane Society, Diane Grossbeak, had a theory of her own. "I have repeatedly warned the sailors on those barges not to keep pets, and this time I believe they have gone too far" she stated in a heated fury, adding "they should be tracked down and thrown overboard themselves to drown." No one was hurt at the beach, and it is yet to be heard if any laidover sailors stop in for a couple rabies shots at one of the local hospitals. There was one casualty however. The squirrel, nicknamed "Piggy" by the young lad Alfred, was put to sleep immediately.

Thursday, September 1

Duluth Catches up with the Neighbors

After months of anticipation Duluth finally received its own store of the storied Papa John’s Pizza. All this writer can think about is the mouthwatering goodness of the garlic dipping sauce as he types this word. The store opened up today at 3:00 pm Central Standard Time for regular business. I say regular business, because last night, I happened to receive two pizza pies for my own to enjoy. How you ask? Well I used my press credentials, and well, I own this town. They were fantastic if you were wondering. The building is located on Central Entrance and is a take out only pizza place. Additionally, a little birdie told me their bread sticks, with 3 different types of dipping sauce, are excellent.