Two Cents Waiting for Change

uber haskajoulua, infamous for her run-in with the law following the Queen Sits On Her Throne Diamond debacle, is in the limelight once again, this time for more honorable reasons. The Spade reporter took home a 2005 Bloggie Award for "Best Calf Muscles On a Female Blogger from the Midwest, Ages 18-29." haskajoulua could not be more thrilled with the distinction.

"It's about time I got noticed for something other than my crackerjack reporting," she says. "I was becoming so pigeon-holed. I've got a body over this brain, you know."

haskajoulua says she has been working on her current calves for about 3 or 4 months.

"Flip flops!" she says, lifting up her jeans and flexing her legs. "I swear by them. The secret to great calves is wearing flip flops."

Fitness guru Tony Little has been enjoying the Spade for weeks.

"I'm crazy about heart-shaped calves!" he enthuses. "I'd follow a woman with heart-shaped calves to the ends of the earth."

Other Spade finalists in the Bloggies include Kate Oblonsky, "Sexiest Reporter in Culottes" and Antonio Chavez, "Voice of the Minority Voiceless."

Famous Spade Reporter Cleared of All Charges

Our own Raging Spade reporter, the world-famous Steven R. Auro, was found innocent yesterday on all 15 counts of child molestation. The verdict is clearly a victory, both for this newspaper and for Mr. Auro himself. A visibily ecstatic Auro left the courthouse fairly quickly, but not until after acknowledging fans and well-wishers.

"It's a miracle! An absolute miracle!" shouted Auro fan Phil Berkheimer. "I'm a reporter too, and I try to use Steven's style in every article I write. He has so much talent. I hope I can write like him some day. That man is my idol."

Berkheimer was one of the many fans that never lost faith in the idea their hero was innocent, despite the fact that Mr. Auro had a less than clean record. Because of this, many thought the reporter to be guilty before the trial even started.

"The Duluth D.A.'s office has been trying to get Steven for a long time, and they tried to use the media to help convict him," Berkheimer hotly added. "They disagree with his rogue reporting and question his journalistic integrity. They only did this to silence him. But he cannot be silenced. He's a rich and famous man, and it's nearly impossible to convict those guys."

While Mr. Auro could not be reached for comment at the time, the Spade believes he will be breaking his silence soon. Especially since he's scheduled for work on Thursday.

Shark Ends Early Summer Fun

(Park Point)

A salt-water shark normally found only in the Atlantic Ocean entered the Duluth Harbor today after maiming four children at Park Point. One shark-related death had not been confirmed at the time of this writing. All four children remain in bloody condition at St. Mary’s Water Trauma Center.

The parents of the injured children were significantly disturbed by the occurrence, threatening to sue Canada for damages. Angry parent Ken Lomax believes “for some reason, Canada didn’t stop this shark from coming through its lock and dam. And they’re liable for that.”

The Great White Shark, spotted last week at Two Harbors, entered Lake Superior through the Ste. St. Marie shipping canal. It is quite common for Great Whites to eat entire people in states like Florida and South Carolina, but is unheard of in the Great Lakes.

Eloise Unger, Director of the MN Dept. of Fish and Lakes, believes that the shark may have had a chemical imbalance, causing it to seek the freshest possible water. Unger explained, “what most people don’t know about the Great White is that they absorb a lot of salt. Sometimes, whatever part of them is absorbing the salt goes awry. In this case, the shark was probably full of salt, and needed to dilute it. And along with that, eating humans is par for the course for Great Whites.”

UMD Scientist Dave Smith disagrees. “The Great White isn’t prone to eating humans unless it has been exposed to nuclear radiation. We’ve proved that time and again in the lab,” stated Smith, with confidence. Smith believes that it is possible that the shark was exposed to radiation on its way through Canadian waters.

City officials plan to close all public waters to swimming and boating until future notice. Commercial activity in Duluth’s port will be closely monitored for any shark-related activities for several weeks. The City will not tolerate any commercial operation offering a safe haven to the renegade shark.

American Mystery Solved

A decades old mystery has been solved this week with the announcement that Deep Throat, the person who brought down the Nixon White House, has been identified. For years, there have been dozens of suspects, but no one has been certain who the mysterious source was. Until now.

In a press conference Tuesday, it was revealed that Deep Throat is actually Ben Matlock.

Matlock was not one of those suspected of being the informer.

According to Watergate historian, William Davis, “Matlock was never suspected. It’s to his credit, really. No one would suspect a bumbling, rambling, scatter-brained, white-haired man. But that’s his genius. He gets you to underestimate him, and think he’s a fool, and then BAM. He solves the case, or, you know, gives secret information about corruption to the press.”

Asked if the revelation would harm his popularity among senior citizens, Davis said, “I doubt it. Matlock is beloved by senior citizens. I don’t think anything he could do would shake that. Snitch or not, they’ll still be tuning in. With love in their hearts.”