Friday, July 29

Duluth In Space

By Fatima Scheherazade

A budget shortfall of between 1 and 2 million dollars hasn't slowed Duluth's plans to be the first city in the world to build and operate a space shuttle. As more private individuals are designing prototypes for a rocket that could bring tourists into space, Duluth officials have come forward with a plan that would put the city council into orbit by 2008.

Research, design, and production of the rocket has been estimated at $300 million.

Duluth official, Richard Larson, is excited about the program. "This is something that will really put Duluth on the map, and attract businesses. Surely, once Duluth is in space, that will send a message, and we'll be able to fill up the technology building."

The space program is getting mixed reaction from the public.

Former high school student, Kate Oblonsky, is critical of the idea. "Sure, having our own rocket would be cool. But what's the point? To see what the Aquarium looks like from space?"

Ultimate frisbee aficionado, uber haskajoulua is more enthusiastic. "I think space travel would be great for Duluth. It would really be something to hold over Superior's head. And Grand Rapids...they think they're so great with their Wizard of Oz stuff..."

Testing begins on the first rocket on September 1. City officials warn citizens to expect excruciatingly loud noise.

Friday, July 22

Chicken Toe Anyone?

An unknowing patron of Pizza Luce is now suing the establishment under the pretenses that she was served an entire chicken leg, complete with a toe, in her order of buffalo wings. Molly Tjecki entered the restaurant with a group of friends celebrating a birthday. As soon as the appetizer came, they all dug in. Molly took a large bite of her favorite snack of buffalo wings and promptly pulled it out of her mouth after discovering it was hard and pointy. What she thought to be an extra bone turned out to actually, after careful scrutiny, be a toe still connected to the foot. After rushing to the lavatory to vomit, Molly called the waitress over to inform her of the disturbing extra bone. The rest of the group, many of who were laughing at Molly's unfortunate turn of events, sombered up when the waitress did nothing but take the aledged winged-toe into the kitchen and destroyed the evidence. Not before a quick thinking friend took a picture with his cell phone though. [see below] Mike Gerte grabbed his phone while Molly was visiting the ladies room and snapped a quick picture. "I'm a scrapbooker. We needed a picture of this to put in Renee's [birthday] scrapbook. I never realized it would come in handy when Molly decided to

sue, but it sure has!"


The store manager refused comment, but before he could inform his employees to remain discreet, we got a quote from Ms. Tjecki's server that evening. Julie [no last name was provided] offered her take of the eventful night saying, "Yeah, it was a toe. Or a claw, whatever you want to call it. I mean, it must have been cleaned - there wasn't, like, anything gross on it. We all had a good laugh." Pizza Luce is under surveillance by the FDA and the manufacturer of the buffalo wings closed his operation pending the July 30th trial date.

Tuesday, July 19

Don't Call Her Miss Ross - She Ain't Gonna Be Supreme

Washington, DC - The surprise nomination of legal eagle Ekaterina "Kate" Oblonsky to the Supreme Court ended tonight with little fanfare. The Republican controlled Senate voted 23-76 to dismiss Oblonsky's nomination in favor of uber-therapist Dr. Phil McGraw.

Oblonsky, a relative unknown on the world stage (save for her day job as a correspondent for the Duluth publication "The Raging Spade"), had come under fire recently after it was revealed that she had at one time been employed at Yoshi's Sauna.

Oblonsky refused to comment as she left Graber's Restaurant tonight after dining with close friends, uber haskajoulua and Fleta C.

Monday, July 18

Duluth’s Oldest Hotspot

Quite often, I find myself thinking about ways to improve Duluth’s tourism industry. Not that it needs it, because it’s thriving. However, there’s one market we’re not tapping: the rejuvenating, healing powers of the local sauna market. The greatest, and oldest sauna in Duluth is the locally owned Duluth Sauna, owned by Hugh Wilson.

Wilson is part of a long-running sauna family. Before immigrating to the US, Wilson’s family owned saunas in Norway since 1628, when they opened the first family sauna in Lillehammer. Duluth Sauna opened in 1902 at its present location on Third Street – and Wilson is proud to be a fourth generation owner-operator. He believes that there’s a good reason for this. “It’s a good job, mostly because I’m able to sauna and work at the same time. Some folks think it’s creepy to get a fresh towel from a naked guy that’s been in the sauna with them, but they’re probably just reacting to the strange naked woman tattoo on my belly.”

To gain business in the sauna industry, Wilson has employed unusual promotions. “The best received, and why we’re talkin’, I think, is the one where I have a bus a-waitin’ outside and I take groups of sauna-goers down to Lake Superior. The powers of them there lake, well, there’s healing in those waters.”

Local physician Dave Smith explains: “Sounds like a load of kreuk to me. But then again, there are some minerals in the water, and the lake’s quite cold. It’s quite possible that some aches and pains could be seem healed simply because the body has gone into shock.”

It remains to be seen whether the Duluth Tourism Board will pick up on the sauna-tourism trend. Personally, I think they should. Duluth sauna is only one of six locally based saunas providing healing treatment to numerous people a day. I use the men only side, but there’s a family section, and usually a women’s section. Not only that, but most saunas have stopped the practice of confiscating your clothes at the door – you’re now often able to change in a changing room. There hasn’t been much movement in regards to saunaing naked, though. It’s standard – and why shouldn’t it be. There are some things you just shouldn’t change.

Wednesday, July 13

Raging Spade’s Winners: Best Pizza of 2005

Sammy’s Pizza dominates

Always the perennial favorite, Sammy’s Pizza in west Duluth won The Raging Spade’s best pizza contest for the 11th year running. Though there were no close contenders, winners in less important categories were equally impressive. Sammy’s Pizza aficionado Brian LaTour had this to say about Sammy’s: “Sammy’s has the best pizza, maybe in the world. I'm a big 1/2 pepperoni, 1/2 sausage fan. If I even think I might be going there, I start drooling like 3 hours beforehand. My girlfriend really hates going there, just for that reason.” Sammy’s, it is plain, will likely remain Duluth’s best pizza for years to come.

Best Pizza, Original Style:, Shamrock Bar. Kate Oblonsky, a frequent patron at Shamrock, says: "I heart Shamrock Pizza. Super heart. Quality cheese, delicious sauce, and the best crust in America. I could eat a whole, large Shamrock pizza, easily, by myself, in fifteen minutes. And the great Superior atmosphere - you can get right out there and shake what your Mama gave you."

Best Pizza, Iron Range: Kettle River Pizza.
Best Pizza Overall, Outstate: Checkerboard Pizza, St. Paul.
Best Pizza, Authenticity: Punch Neapolitan Pizza, St. Paul.

Domino’s Pizza was quite angry for being left off the list, and issued the following statement (which we edited): “We believe that Domino’s [disgusting cheese] is of the highest quality. Domino’s Pizza has been located in Duluth for many [unfortunate] years, providing quick [money laundering] service with a smile. At Domino’s, we believe the [most excellent] Raging Spade was erroneous[ly correct] in its choices this year – and hope that [M]omino’s receives more appropriate consideration in the future.

Pizza Lucè and Casino Pizza both received honorable mention for Best Pizza. Bulldog Pizza was also close to receiving an honorable mention, but missed it due to its ability to quickly grow semi-moldy crust just hours after coming out of the oven.

www.maketradefair.com

Thursday, July 7

Dance Fever

Emergency rooms nationwide have seen a rise in the number of dance related injuries over the last six weeks. The spike in ER visits has been credited to the ABC summer smash, Dancing With the Stars.

According to Dr. Nicholas Rutherford at the Harmony Medical Center in Harmony, Nebraska, “We’ve seen a lot of elderly people coming in with dislocated hips and various spinal injuries. They seem to think that if that white haired guy, J. Peterman, can foxtrot, they can too.”

After Wednesday’s season finale, a reported 58 young women were admitted to hospitals across the country.

“When Kelly Monaco did that backwards, down-the-stairs, flip thing, I knew we were in trouble,” said Rutherford.

Vanessa Santos was hospitalized with a concussion and fractured wrist on Wednesday night. “That helicopter move that Kelly and Alec did looked super easy. So my dance partner, James, and I tried it. It’s not really very easy. I guess we took out two lamps and a bookcase. I don’t really remember…”

Even Raging Spade ace reporter, uber haskajoulua, who fancies herself quite a dancer, has been injured as a result of DWTS. She suffered a calf injury attempting to master a samba move performed by Joey McIntyre and his partner Ashly. When haskajoulua recovers her health and Kate Oblonsky perfects her backwards, down-stairs flip, the Raging Spade staff is planning a charity fundraiser event called Dancing With the Raging Spade, where its reporters will partake in a ballroom dancing competition. Funds raised will be used to benefit Kate Oblonsky.

Sunday, July 3

Spade Reporter Nomination Announced

Hibbing - In a press conference earlier today up on the "Iron Ridge" of Minnesota, President George W. Bush revealed who he will recommend to be appointed to the Supreme Court seat soon to be vacated by the retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor: Spade Reporter/Legal Eagle Ekaterina "Kate" Oblonsky.

Oblonsky, a liberal, was not even named by the press as a possibility prior to Bush's press conference. The announcement has propelled the relative unknown on to the world's stage. Calls to her office were not returned before press time.

An impromptu parade was organized in downtown Duluth in honor of Ms. Oblonsky, led by local historian Tari Brine. "This is a historic day for all of America, not just Duluth," shared Brine.

Before being named to the Supreme Court, Ms. Oblonsky will have to endure extreme public scrutiny and an extensive background check.

The White House offered no additional comment on the nomination.

Friday, July 1

Government Shuts Down - Raging Spade may Cease Publication

(Duluth)

The editor of the Raging Spade determined at 5:00 AM today that the newspaper might be doomed as a result of the current government shutdown in Minnesota. "We've got a lot of enemies," he said, "Milk, for example, was at the Spade offices last week with scythes. The only stopping them from chopping us to bits was the state government."

The state government shutdown occured today as a result of irresponsible citizens voting for idiots who made irresponsible no-new-tax pledges. Spade reporter Chelsea Delmaro, who covers government for the Spade, explained "when I knew that the state government was going to shut down, I told the editor to start making preparations. I knew about this in March, so he or she has had a lot of time to start digging foxholes."

Spade enemy The Ripsaw indicated plans to begin shelling the Spade's offices with mortar at about 6:58 AM. Ripsaw editors, in a fury of rage, were already in the streets drawing diagrams at 1:00 AM. "We're not going to take this any longer - we've had enough of the lies, more lies, and outright lies coming from the Raging Spade. They've continually sullied our reputation because of our solid reporting on good jazz music in Duluth," shouted one of the wild-eyed Ripsaw editors.

The Spade editor commented, "we're going to be putting up sandbags around the windows. We're going to put up solid 3-inch steel doors at all the entrances. Basically, the offices should be secure - for the time being. There are one or two doomsday scenarios. The first is that the City employees, in this state of Anarchy, attack the office. They've got bunker busters, so we'd be toast. And the second is if even one employee here loses morale. To keep morale high, we're serving high-quality granola every hour, on the hour. We've had a huge granola supply waylaid for just this sort of event."

Contact the Raging Spade for further details: spade_editor@hotmail.com