Sunday, January 23

Brainless Woman Plans Duluth-Superior Monorail

Wanda Smith, an admitted dimwit, rolled out plans for a regional monorail today. Smith’s plan calls for two primary monorail lines. The first line would run along the bay from West Duluth, through Downtown, and to East Duluth. Smith dubbed this line the ‘Shore Line’. Smith explained that the Shore Line would be built with future plans to extend it to Proctor, Cloquet, and Two Harbors.

The second line would start in Superior, travel across the bay, and would end in Hermantown. Smith called the second line the ‘Harbor Line’. The Harbor Line could be extended to Pike Lake, Twig, and Ashland, according to Smith.

The mayors of Duluth and Superior were quick to point out that no logical planning took place prior to Smith’s big rollout for the monorail plans. “This woman basically took a map of the region, and drew on it with crayons,” according to a prepared statement issued by both mayors. The statement went on to discuss costs. “Ms. Smith pegs the cost of this monorail at about 2.3 billion dollars for each line. Not only is that more than the net value of all the real estate in the entire region, but our engineers believe it may be a faulty estimate. To top that off, we’d need about 500,000 news residents to meet Ms. Smith’s ridership projections. And their dogs.”

Smith was quick to defend the monorail. “Take the Shore Line. My estimates show that the monorail would probably only fall off the track 5-6 times per year, and even then, only 2-3 times over open water. That’s fewer accidents than happen with cars. That’s saving lives.”

No one from the Federal Transit Authority, who would be responsible for 25% of the cost of the monorail, was available for comment. Smith intends to submit the plans for funding by the February 17th deadline.