Wednesday, January 5

Thin Ice Okay for Ninjas

The latests reports show that thin ice is still dangerous for most people. Portions of Duluth's harbor are now frozen, and to best serve Duluth residents, several shanty-type restaurants have been erected upon the surface of the lake. Most residents, unfortunately, are too fat to safely reach the many fine establishments built upon the harbor.

Fat and average-sized people can't safely trod upon ice until it is at least 1 foot thick, according to studies completed by Dave Smith of the University of Minnesota. Ninjas, however, are able to trod upon as little as 1 inch of ice without breaking through. It is their agility that gives them such a desirable characteristic.

Linda Wagner of Twig cited a problem with the average person's ability and a ninja's ability. She stated that last year, her illicit Canadian lover fell through the ice. Wagner alleges that she called out to three nearby ninjas, and the only response she received was for the ninjas to stealthily sneak away.

The local police stated that there are no city ordinances requiring ninjas to help persons in need, even when those ninjas have an implied ability to do so. Sergeant Jim Howe stated that "No ninja can be expected to help a hopeless average or fat person. The person should just be lucky to remain alive, knowing that a ninja is near."

The studies conducted by Prof. Smith and UMD were paid for by the Duluth Tourism Board.