Tuesday, October 25

God Totally Kicking Humans' Asses

- Heaven

God made public Wednesday that He has been thoroughly kicking the human race's ass for the past few months. "Lowly humans, you have angered me. I now beseech you with a thousand plagues!" the almighty boomed from His golden throne in Heaven. God's statement comes on the heel of several natural disasters, including Hurricane Katrina, the killer Earthquake in Pakistan, and yesterday's devastating Hurricane Wilma in south Florida. God's anger was clearly evident from the events of the past 90 days as well as today's divine press conference. "I am a vengeful and spiteful God and your antics have plagued me for far too long! Now you will feel my wrath!"

Bob Johnson, an Earth Science professor at Lake Superior College reacted to God's statements. "Man, I was always taught that the Earth was governed by a complex set of physics laws, but after hearing how pissed God was I totally changed my mind." Johnson, along with many human beings, has had a spiritual awakening of sorts. "I used to teach my students things like the shifting of Earth's tectonic plates, the dynamics or our atmosphere, and the theory of evolution. I'm going to have to revamp my whole curriculum now. Damn . . . was I off."

God planned more natural disasters if His demands are not met soon. "Heed my warnings, my children. You must regain your virtue. No more gay marriage or all-you-can-eat buffets. Regain your innocence; get back to the 10 Commandments. And would it kill you to offer up some sacrifices? Those aren't just for those crazy, made-up gods in Asia, you know? I enjoy them every now and then too."

While God agreed to stop the carnage if His demands are met, the Almighty continued to make threats. "This is simply the start, puny mortals. I haven't even pulled out the big guns yet. Volcanoes, locusts, meteor showers, you name it. They've all got your names on 'em. Don't make me send Jesus down there again. I made you from dust and I can turn you back into dust."

Thursday, October 20

Long Dead Traitor Speaks to Self-Proclaimed "Rey del Mar"

David Collins, the self proclaimed "Rey del Mar" (King of the Sea), has purportedly been holding in-depth interviews with Benedict Arnold, a traitor from the Revolutionary War who died in 1801. Mr. Arnold's most well-known treachery was the attempted sale of West Point, then the American Military Academy, to the British in 1780 for the price of 6000 pounds sterling.

Collins claims to have held six interviews with Arnold, all centered around how to best corner the market for illegal ivory trafficking in Duluth. "Ben has been giving me some good advice - like how I can build an x-ray machine to see into cargo holds and semi-trailers, where they store the ivory."

The Duluth Police Force is dubious about Collins ability to speak to Benedict Arnold. "We are well aware of the black market trafficking of ivory that goes on in Duluth. We have just purchased several ivory sniffing dogs for the very purpose of searching vessels. But is Collins getting advice from Benedict Arnold? No way. If he was doling out advice, it seems obvious that it would be about real estate, not the black market."

Collins, however, is adament that Mr. Arnold has provided assistance. "If I hadn't heeded his advice, would I have trafficked 2 kilos of ivory powder and 18 full tusks of ivory in the last quarter?"

Moreover, Collins appears unconcerned about the possible legal ramifications of trafficking ivory. "I'm the goddammed Rey del Mar, for pete's sake. I've got every damned right to levy a tax on ivory within 50 miles of Lake Superior. If that means confiscating the off load of cargo, so be it. Just watch - Benedict's fortune, along with my own, will soon rise far above that of El Rey del Sol."

Collins refused to explain who, or what, he was referring to when he said, 'El Rey del Sol.' The literal translation is "King of the Sun," but most likely, it is only more gibberish from this man who is plainly and completely insane.

Friday, October 14

WHO Warns of Mongoose Flu Epidemic

Weeks after the threat of a Bird Flu epidemic was announced, the World Health Organization is alerting the public of an even more dangerous disease. Some small communities in India are reporting an outbreak of Mongoose Flu. Medical professionals across southeast Asia are on high alert, and several villages are under quarantine.

Mongoose Flu is highly contagious and notorious for its devastating and odd effects. Symptoms of Mongoose Flu resemble those of rabies, with several key differences. Persons suffering from the disease may have excess saliva or foam at the mouth, restlessness, fever, hallucinations, and seizures. However, unlike those afflicted with rabies, Mongoose Flu sufferers also develop super-agility, extreme speed, and keen hunting prowess.
Dr. Parminder Rasgotra has examined several victims of the disease. She explains, “in the patients I’ve seen, the symptoms have been severe and resemble a cross between rabies and The Rage.” She advises those who suspect that they are in proximity to a person with Mongoose Flu not to make any sudden movements or make eye contact. “The most important thing is to make very certain you don’t do anything that would make you look like a cobra. Once the patient believes that another person is a cobra, he will attack, most likely from behind when he believes the cobra/man is weakened.”

Sunday, October 2

Is the Mayor of Proctor Communist? No!

Now, I am not referring to the current mayor of Proctor, or to any former mayor of Proctor in specific. Rather, I am referring to the general fact that mayors of Proctor aren't communist. I'm not judging, either. Really.

I don't care one way or another whether the mayor of Proctor is communist. But you sure can tell that he or she is not. For one thing, there's not a lick of graft in the City. Trust me, there'd be graft in a communist city. No to judge graft. It would just be different.

One other difference between Proctor and a communist city is the lack of shared services and housing. It's sort of communist how we have the City plowing our roads, but it's not like we're all living in concrete block government-owned housing. And it isn't like the mayor makes us all buy our clothes from the same store that sells clothes of one color only. Not to mention our dilapidated sidewalks - it is a sure sign of capitalism when government isn't repairing the sidewalks. There must be a shortage of concrete. Typical capitalists.

Trust me, if the mayor was a communist, he'd be out there pouring new sidewalks himself, hauling and mixing concrete in a wheelbarrow. Luckily, that's not our mayor. He's no communist.

What would Karl Marx have to say about Proctor? Well, he'd probably congratulate him on his successful administration of a government institution in a capitalist society - a tough feat, given that capitalists hate government. But he wouldn't call him a communist. Marx would surely recognize that the Proctor mayor doesn't encourage enough pollution or prosecute enough political dissenters to be a communist.

If Proctor merges with Midway Township, would they cause a communist to be elected mayor? Probably not - out in Midway, they're even less communist than Proctor residents. And I know for a fact that they hate a good sidewalk. In Midway, if a sidewalk's not crumbling, it soon will be.

Good riddance, you communists.