Tuesday, May 31

Valleyfair To Be Bought Out

Shakopee, MN

A buy out that was rumored to be in the making for quite some time finally occurred today. Amusement park giant, Six Flags purchased the famous Twin Cities coaster park for a record $77 million. "We are extremely happy with our purchase," stated Six Flags CEO Mark Freeman. "We've been trying to purchase the park land for quite some time now, and we're really excited. This park has tremendous potential,both for Six Flags and for the residents of Minnesota and the surrounding tri-state area."

While Valleyfair and Six Flags officials are pleased with the takeover, Minnesota residents and lawmakers are not as optimistic. Senator Mark Dayton described this takeover as detrimental to the residents and businesses of Minnesota. "Six Flags is the Wal-Mart of amusement parks. Minnesota is not a Wal-Mart state and it is also, most definietly, not a Six Flags state. It is a Target state and it is a Valleyfair state. It is also a Marshall Field's state."

Despite opposition from residents and laymakers, Freeman remains optimistic about the buyout. "I think Minnesotans will come to enjoy benefits our parks have to offer. And I think they will eventually come around to love Six Flags as much as they loved Valleyfair." Freeman went on to say that the turnover should officially take place sometime next week, when the park's name will be switched to Six Flags Northern Star.

Thursday, May 26

Girl Shares World, Human Race Lucky

Somewhere in MN - A 24 year old Minnesota woman has finally decided to share her world with the rest of the beings on the planet. The woman, who for security purposes will be called "Cool & Sassy," said that it's about time the rest of the earth's population got the chance to hear her wisdom. She has decided to start a blog that will let readers see how an important person's mind operates. This reporter was able to actually speak to Cool & Sassy on the phone for 12.4 minutes. Cool & Sassy told me, "I have a lot of great things to say and share. I mean, everyone should know that the greatest place to shop is not Banana Republic, it's really J Crew. If you don't know that I feel sad for you and I want to help you." She also stated, "Sometimes when I am thinking about life and my world, I think about how great wine is and I smile. I hope everyone has a chance to taste some great Pinot Grigio this weekend." When asked what her most important revelation has been Cool & Sassy stated, "I realized that Brittney Spears is not as cool as me. I mean, her music is great and we have similar tastes and habits, but now she's all preggers and she stopped wearing cute clothes and there is no excuse for that." How true Cool & Sassy, how true.

Wednesday, May 25

Local Toddler Trapped In Machine

Little Skyler Simpson of Munger found himself in quite the predicament last Thursday morning at the Hermantown Wal-Mart. Simpson, age three, was able to wiggle his way into a vending machine that rewards stuffed animals to those who can actually capture the toys using a joystick.

Simpson's mother, Bea Arthur-Simpson, passed out from the sight of her toddler sitting inside the machine among the stuffed animals. Luckily, one of the senior citizen greeters was able to call 911 from their walkie-talkie and then help assist Ms. Arthur-Simpson.

"My kid is quick. I bet he'll run track some day. I had only left him alone for 15 minutes and look at what he gone and did," boasted Ms. Arthur-Simpson. "It was a real hoot."

After regaining her composure, Ms. Arthur-Simpson briskly ran to buy a disposable camera that had an everyday low price to document her son's situation. When a group of bystanders encircled the machine, Ms. Arthur-Simpson was heard yelling boastfully, "That's my boy! He's one of my eleven kids!"

Local volunteer firefighters were able to break into the back of the machine and free little Skyler from the toy dispenser. Ms. Arthur-Simpson did not reward her son with one of the prized stuffed animals. "He ain't getting nothing until I get my check at the beginning of next month," Ms. Arthur-Simpson shared.

Sunday, May 22

Local Kitchen Ruined

A cement truck crashed through the side of an area house on Thursday night, spilling its contents into the kitchen and causing thousands of dollars worth of damage.

The accident was reported by an 83-year-old neighbor, Gertie White. “I was minding my own business, looking out the window to watch people in the neighborhood, and this truck came crashing through the house. Right through the wall.” White immediately called the police and continued to watch as the cement from the truck spilled into the kitchen of Michael and Lucy Sawyer’s home. “I didn’t see nobody come to check out what was happening for a good 5 minutes,” says White.

According to Michael Sawyer, “Lucy and I were watching The OC. We couldn’t believe what was happening with Ryan and Marissa and Trey. Now that I think about it, I guess I might have heard something around 7:55, but when Marissa grabbed the gun, and it cut to slow motion, and that song started…and Mischa Barton kind of fell against the wall…forget it. I wasn’t moving. Lucy was so upset about Kirsten Cohen, I doubt she would have heard a dump truck drive through a nitroglycerin plant.”

The damage to the Sawyer home was extensive. “I guess we’ll have to remodel our kitchen. I thought this sort of thing only happened on TGIF shows. I never dreamed it could happen to me,” says Lucy Sawyer.
Gertie White, on the other hand, was not surprised. “With the loud music that they play in that house, and the staying out until 11:30…let’s just say it doesn’t take a Jessica Fletcher to figure out that something like this was bound to happen.”

Monday, May 16

Irresponsible Man Kills Pedestrian

5:52 PM. (Duluth)

Jeffe Yoolang learned a hard lesson today: it’s just not safe to drive with any old crap on top of the car. At about 4:42, John Doe was pronounced dead at St. Mary’s Medical Center, the victim of an obvious accident waiting to happen. Yoolang will be charged with gross negligence, punishable by up to 62 hours on the local chain-gang.

The incident began when Yoolang purchased a new recliner at Goodwill Industries on Garfield Avenue. “I didn’t have a way to get the beast home, so I figured I could just tie it to the top of my trusty 1982 Le Car. I’ve tied all sorts of crap up there – I once brought a tree home from Menards tied to it, and once I even tied a fishing boat to it. I guess it was a small fishing boat, though. It ended up leaking, anyway” stated Yoolang.

Eyewitness reports indicate that Yoolang drove from Goodwill to Downtown Duluth, where he proceeded up the hill. After reaching 5th Street, he realized he lived on 3rd Street – and had to head back down the hill. He turned to go down the hill, and proceeded safely through the 4th Street intersection. At the 3rd Street Intersection, when Yoolang went to turn left, the chair went flying off the car – directly into the chest of Doe, who was squashed.

“That will teach me to tie things to the top of my Le Car with bungee cords, I guess,” stated a sullen-looking Yoolang. Police believe Yoolang will be arraigned in the morning. The Police also added “tying things to your car isn’t really tying them, if you’re just using bungee cords.”

Monday, May 9

Hot Chicks Seen At Mall

Two hot chicks patronized the Miller Hill Mall Monday, according to eyewitnesses. Champs Sports employees Zach Anderson and Marcus Mitchell reported seeing the two late Monday evening. "Oh man, those chicks were freakin' hot," stated Anderson. "I would definitely like to get with a girl like that. I think I've seen them in here before."

"Oh, definitely," Mitchell added. "I see those two at the mall all the time."

Reports of the girls' hotness was later confirmed by outside sources. Alan Braf, shopping at Champs at the time, also viewed the two girls. "Yeah, they were really smokin'. These two guys are right, those chicks were indeed hot."

The appearance of the two girls was an unexpected twist in an otherwise monotonous day for Anderson and Mitchell. "I hope those girls come back, I talked to (them) a little, told (them) I'd get them a discount on Rollerblades. Yeah, I think they liked me," said Mitchell. Anderson and Mitchell added that they probably went to high school at Duluth Denfeld or Hermantown, possibly even Duluth East.