Traumatic Event at Local University

Duluth, MN

A student, fresh off winter break, suddenly went ape in the main hallway of UMD. Eyewitnesses feared for their lives. They described the incident as grossly disturbing. Jaun Ramone, the student in question, lost his cool “after seeing the 700th person roll by figuring out how to use their new iPod.” The incident was deeply rooted in Jaun not getting an iPod for Christmas. It was “all that I asked for, and instead I received socks and a set of snow tires.” He was appreciative of the gifts, but stated “Why can I not have something fun? I am a fun guy, really.” Another factor leading to Jaun's assault of a fellow student was the fact that he considers himself “a pioneer in the MP3 game.” The battered student intends to press charges for the severe beating she received and the public humiliation. She also seeks replacement of her broken iPod.