Monday, August 16

Local Man Announces Comeback

Lester River resident Tom Boughlund is almost certain that 90's pop-rock band, Hootie and the Blowfish, is destined for a comeback. HATB's frontman, Darius Rucker, has been involved in a successful solo career as of late, but Boughlund is certain of the band reuniting shortly.

"I just know Hootie will be making a comeback any time now. With their smooth instrumentals, true lyrics and soulful harmonizing, there's no way that Hootie will not rejoin the musical spotlight," Boughlund stated late Saturday night. "With songs like 'Time', 'Hold My Hand' and 'Only Want to Be With You', they could at least come back to the DECC once more. I mean, Darius Rucker is my generation's James Taylor!"

Rucker's agent Jeremy Sandberg said the solo musician has no plans whatsoever for a reunion tour or album deal.

Thursday, August 5

Breaking News: Duluth Leads Nation in Unidentified Movie Critic Prodigies


An upcoming study, to be published Saturday in the University of Minnesota-Duluth Gazette, identifies Duluth as
the key location in the United States for unidentified movie critic prodigies (UMCPs). The study, penned by longtime Rotten Tomatoes iconoclast Dave Smith, calls Duluth the "mecca of movie critics, the next great location for the development of critical movie critic personalities in the country."

Smith, also associated with the UMD Department of Rare Animal Research, has located four such prodigies in the Duluth area over the past seven years. "I believe they all have potential, but I'll tell you, ten year-old Tommy Trappens will be the next Roger Ebert," he said, continuing, "He writes like a genius. His analysis of the plot points for Cyrus really hit home - the impacts of divorce melded perfectly with puns about Billy Ray and Miley. Putting important, critical thoughts together about movies is like saving your flock from a sad, pitiful death, so he is literally saving people from themselves. I wouldn't call him Jesus, personally... but I also don't know what else would fit."

Identifying UMCPs isn't easy, and that's why Duluth stands out, according to the study. Of the four phenoms located by Smith, three are now signed with major nationwide print and electronic publications. Trappens, the lone holdout, is said to be entertaining a joint offer from CBS and several media outlets in Canada. On a per-capita basis, it is estimated that Duluth sustains roughly one UMCP per 4,500 residents. Using this estimate, there are likely 20-30 UMCPs in Duluth at the present time, each representing critical words going unwritten and analysis of plots incomplete.

The reason for the large number of UMCPs in the area is unknown, though the study posits that the basis may lie in the significant number of toxic chemical spills in the Duluth harbor during the mid-90s. Other cities noted as UMCP hot spots in the report include Gallup, New Mexico, Concord, New Hampshire, and Monroe, Louisiana.

This Really Would Have Been Awesome for Me Back in 1995-97 When I Loved General Hospital

School-aged fans of daytime soap operas in the Lake Superior school district were thrilled to learn that the state approved a proposed plan to allow the district to operate on a 4-day per week calendar. In addition to some other stuff, this means that young fans of daytime dramas will not have to sit in useless classes while the Friday cliffhanger episodes of their favorite soaps are airing.

While this is great news for ABC, who is sure to see a ratings spike in northeast Minnesota, even though its shows are terrible in every way now; it's too little too late for other networks. NBC Daytime executive, Phillip Weaver, applauded the new academic calendar, but noted, "It's just a shame it didn't happen a few years ago when this might have saved Passions. It could have made all the difference. As it is, we'll always be left to wonder what hijinks Tabitha is up to, and if Theresa is still crying literally every single day."

Wednesday, August 4

Editorial: Mushy Apples Are Gross

Mushy apples are gross. What is worse than biting into an apple that should not really be mushy, and then finding that it is, in fact, mushy? Not much. The only possible worse outcomes would be finding out that the apple is actually a cleverly disguised grenade, or was full of poison, or had something to do with Twilight and you didn't know it but then when people saw you, they'd think, "oh, that person likes Twilight stuff."

Today, I bit into an apple that I bought two or three days ago. So, not super old. It's one of those green and red kind. (Not Sonya. Braeburn, maybe?) I buy them specifically because they are not mushy and I prefer my apples to be like, as close to concrete as possible. Anyway, they're supposed to be crisp. ("Crisp" is a weird word. Seriously, say it out loud. It's weird.) I even pick out the ones that are more greenish in color because I made up a fact in my head that these ones would be the most crispy. So imagine my disgust when I bit into one of these apples and it was mushy. It was mushy.

It tasted like betrayal.

This brings up an important question. Who on earth buys that really red, tall kind of apples that are always mushy. The ones where mushy is one of their natural characteristics? It's insanity.