Thursday, March 31

Stupid Bastards Enter City; Threaten Aquarium

Several stupid bastards entered the City this evening, according to Jim Thunderhorse.

Thunderhorse claims that the stupid bastards entered the City via the St. Louis River Road, and is under the impression that they originated somewhere on the North Shore or the Iron Ridge. The stupid bastards proceeded down St. Louis River Road to Grand Avenue, and then proceeded North to Downtown. Several of the stupid bastards appeared to have imbibed a significant amount of what they called "bathtub brew," more commonly known as moonshine.

Thunderhorse stated that he spoke to one of the bastards. "The stupid bastard had a mohawk, and he was pretty lucid for someone who drank a quart of bathtub juice, or whatever he called it, on his way to Duluth from Biwabik. I guess he was pretty angry about the aquarium, and he was going to try to melt it by pouring some bathtub juice on it."

Though Thunderhorse appears reliable, he himself may have taken part in the festivities of the stupid bastards. Police reports indicate that the stupid bastards scattered around 8th Street East, after breaking several bottles along Superior Street. One anonymous police officer mentioned that the stupid bastards were not just angry about the aquarium - he believes they may have a hidden agenda relating to bringing communism to Duluth from its den on the Range.

Perhaps, then, those stupid bastards weren't so stupid after all. A peaceful demonstration ended with speculation by many that the stupid bastards would be back without too much delay. The Spade will continue to follow this breaking story as the stupid bastards proceed along on their wayward journey.

Thursday, March 17

Homeless to Mayor: Eat Crow

Local homeless are finally standing up and telling the mayor to eat crow, after a long drought of communication between the two parties. “We just want the mayor to know that he’s wrong when he says that it’s the obligation of the city to help the homeless. He just keeps talking, constantly, about how the city can help us. Isn’t he going to feel stupid when he finds out he’s wrong.”

The homeless peoples’ representative cited claims made by the Bush administration as proof that the mayor must be crazy. “Bush says, correctly, that we don’t need public money to get us back on our feet, even in the most dire or ridiculous of circumstances. He’s made us realize that even though we may have become homeless through circumstances completely beyond our control, we’ll pull through as long as we have faith in the Republic, that great bastion of freedom, the USA.”

The mayor’s office issued a prepared statement in response to the claims made by the homeless. “I believe we should help those in need. I think cuts in funding to local governments are bad public policy. If I’m wrong, I’ll happily take the next bus to Appalachia, shoot me some crow, and bake it in a pie. Actually, I might just skin it and boil it, like they used to do in the old days.”

The mayor has never been seeing eating crow in the past. The Spade was able to locate several old photos of the mayor eating pheasant, however. Local homeless, on the other hand, have eaten crow on several occasions in the past few months, primarily due to their wrong-headed support of Bush policies. Statistics show that aid to the homeless has decreased 145% in the Duluth-Superior area since January of 2001, primarily due to cuts in aid from the Republican state and federal administrations.

Saturday, March 12

Lift Bridge Announces New Champion

The Aerial Lift Bridge Committee announced a winner in the 100th Anniversary Aerial Lift Bridge centennial slogan. The winning slogan, "Get Bridged", by Ryan Vine and Diane Chaney of Duluth was chosen from thousands upon thousands of entries. Vine and Chaney's entry beat out several other top finalists for the spot. These finalists included such entries as: "Making Park Point Slighly Less Crappy", "Still Gettin' It Up After 100 Years" and "early 20th Century, Steel-Framed, Counterweighted, Cable Car Transfer Bridges 'R' Us". "This is probably the greatest day of my life," quoted Vine. "And, quite possibly, the greatest day in the life of Duluth."

Wednesday, March 9

Area Ninja Catches Croc

An area ninja is receiving praise from Lakeside residents after capturing a crocodile that has been terrorizing the local population for years. The crocodile was 19 feet long and weighed a full ton. Experts estimate that the croc was approximately 128 years old.

According local lore, the croc traversed the sewers under Lakeside for decades, always eluding animal control. Reports indicate that the beast ate 33 local residents over the years.

Lakeside homeowner, Anton Pavlov, says that his neighborhood is relieved. “I’m very grateful to that ninja. My brother Jacques lost a leg to that croc back in ’58. I never let my kids play outside, or participate in door to door wrapping paper fundraiser sales.”

The crocodile was captured alive by the ninja, who has declined to accept the $10,000 reward residents have offered, and transported to the Lake Superior Zoo. Veterinarians operated to repair damage inflicted by the ninja’s sais. An inventory of the stomach contents revealed a Frisbee, 4 aluminum Crystal Pepsi cans, various human bones, an oil lamp, some piano keys, a monocle, a child size medium “PBR-Me ASAP” promotional T-shirt, and a pendulum.

Sunday, March 6



The corporate headquarters of the Members Only Corporation will soon call downtown Duluth home, according to Chief Financial Officer Luke Joynes. “Members Only looks forward to coming to Duluth. We’re also proud to have purchased the historic 8-story Owens Building, which is currently undergoing extensive renovations.”

Members Only is best known for their ubiquitous jackets bearing the “Members Only” tag. During the 1980s, the jackets were commonly sold by popular merchants JC Penny, Macy’s, Sears, and Bloomingdales. In the 1990s through August of 2001, Members Only pursued more unusual venues, including Menards, the Electric Fetus, and occasionally Wal-Mart. Production stopped in August of 2001, “because for relatively minor health reasons, they halted production of the fabric necessary in the production of the jackets,” explained Joynes after repeated prodding. Further investigation showed that the material in question was asbestos, which gave the jackets their peculiar veneer. Litigation is pending, and Members Only expects a favorable verdict.

In 2004, Members Only grossed 1.3 million dollars. Financial data shows that approximately 72% of the revenue came from adult-related products. “After the thing with the jackets, we found that the name ‘Members Only’ lent itself well to adult-related products, on many levels. However, we’re working to re-diversify our product mix to include a new line of jackets, and plan to roll out a line of shiny hot pants in July.”

City officials believe the new headquarters will bring a renewed sense of community to downtown. Mayor Bergson will release a statement Wednesday regarding the exciting redevelopment project. Members Only was trading at $7.50 on the Nasdaq exchange Friday.

Saturday, March 5

World's Finest?

This story has been removed by the Editor at the Request of Tyler Jeffrey, Vice President of Marketing at World's Finest Chocolates. Mr. Jeffrey sent the Editor
a harassing email regarding this article by the fine writer uber haskajuola. He claimed that the story was completely false.

Of course the story is completely false! Every single story on this Blog is completely false. It is not only common knowledge that stories on blogs are not to be believed, but that the Raging Spade is a local parody-oriented publication located in Duluth, Minnesota.

World's Finest Chocolates are sold by groups seeking to earn money. The Raging Spade urges you to boycott any groups selling World's Finest Chocolates, as they are not only of poor quality (in our opinion, of course) but are also sold by a ridiculous, web-surfing, time-wasting company.

Friday, March 4

To Enjoy

When an editor comes across something important... I mean really important, it must be shared with everyone.

Especially when its about ninjas.

Thursday, March 3

SnoCross Facing Tough Accusations

Billings, Montana

The World Snowmobile Association's (WSA) premiere series, SnoCross, is facing tough accusations this week against its top riders. An anonymous source last week told the Billings Gazette that superstars Blair Morgan, Tucker Hibbert, and Shaun Crapo frequently used steroids over the last 8 years. The accusations couldn't have come at a worse time for the WSA, which is in the midst of their regular season and right after a very successful Winter X-Games.

Professional SnoCross racer and Duluth native Dennis "D.J." Eckstrom spoke out about the controversy yesterday. "While I don't approve of the negative press this will bring to SnoCross, I am curious about the accusations. I'm not personally accusing them of anything, but they have dominated this sport for almost a decade now. I mean really, how can they be so much better than me? I was driving a Kitty Cat when I was 6 years old."

Eckstrom went on to say that whether or not the accusations are true, the bad press can only have negative setbacks for WSA and SnoCross. "This is really, really bad publicitiy for the sport. Before, there were kids and dads who knew us in every suburb in America. I mean, if the sport isn't careful, the only fans we'll have left will be teenage boys and middle aged men from the upper-Midwest and Canada."

While non of the accused racers would agree to speak with The Spade on the subject, we did receive this message from one of their publicists. "SnoCross has never had a drug testing policy, and we hope they keep it that way. There is no reason to tarnish our sport with ridiculous lies. The only questionable act our program ever did was put a V12 engine in between two skis and a vinyl seat. And if that's illegal by all means arrest us."

WSA CEO Scott O'Malley issued this press statement. "SnoCross has and will maintain the itegrity of our sport. We will continue to generate fine athletes and drivers, with only the highest moral qualities. Please don't resort to NASCAR."

O'Malley finished by saying, "This is a black day for professional snowmobile racing. As black as the wonderful products from our great sponsor, AMSOil."

Wednesday, March 2


Hollywood--The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences informed Hilary Swank today that they have accidentally awarded her with the "Best Leading Actress" Oscar during Sunday's ceremony. The winner was supposed to have been any body but Swank, which includes but is not limited to: Annette Benning, Kate Winslet, Catalina Sandino, Imelda Staunton, the girl who works at the Gap, Charo, and Bea Arthur. Apparently the fact that Swank appeared on and acted horribly in "Beverly Hills, 90210" during its extremely crappy years had escaped the majority of Academy member's memory.

Hank Stone, an Academy member for over 15 years said, "Yeah, we messed up pretty royally. I mean, 90210 was high quality for awhile, but after some time who really wanted to watch a balding Ian Zeiring hit on some chick (played by Hilary Swank) with an 8 year-old? Not me. Imagine the shock I had when someone named Sori Telling called me and told me about Hilary being on the show, and then when they told me about 'The Next Karate Kid' I had to alert the rest of the Academy about this catastrophe. I mean, if we don't fix this now, what's going to happen next, will Brain Austin Green win a Grammy for his work as David Silver?"

The Oscar will be taken from Swank, but she won't go away totally empty handed. The Academy of Smug Actors Appearing in Ugly Movies quickly announced that they will present her with their Lifetime Achievement Award at their July 17th ceremony in Reno, Nevada.

Tuesday, March 1

Area Residents Hesitant to Beat Up That Guy Now

Since joining a Duluth motorcycle gang, Johnny Thompson is getting beaten up much less frequently.

According to a former classmate of Thompson’s, “Oh yeah, Johnny Thompson. He was, you know, kind of short and chubby. A doughy kid. Never won a fight in his life. If you wanted to hit someone, you’d go find Johnny Thompson.”

Things changed when Thompson joined a Duluth motorcycle gang. “Then he joined that motorcycle gang. Dressed up in leather and chains and all that, and all the sudden you weren’t sure if you should start a fight with this guy.”

The gang may be a blessing for Thompson, but it is proving to be a curse for area residents. Mr and Mrs Defarge of Grand Avenue have called the police several times to complain about the noise the motorcycles generate. Mr Defarge reports, “Oh yeah, those doggone motorbikes are louder than blazes.” The motorcycles have frequently interrupted the Defarges’ evening activities. The noise has distracted Mr Defarge from his crossword puzzle, often taking him “out of the zone.” As for Mrs Defarge, the approach of motorcycles down Grand Avenue has repeatedly startled her and nearly screwed up her knitting.

Dude smokes the good stuff

Dude, a 46 year old resident, did not get arrested this weekend for smoking the good stuff, or for posessing over 25 kilograms of it in the back of his van.

Should Dude have been arrested? Or would it be better to move Dude, as a community project, to Amsterdam? Surely there are enough people in the region who would be willing to pay $10 each to get rid of Dude and pay for his one-way flight.

Dude's long, flowing, greezy hair has been damaging the region for long enough. It is time that Dude's gnarly ways are put to a stop. In response to the criticism, Dude simply said, "Hey man, maybe we should do some shots or somethin'."