Tuesday, December 11

Angry Woman Launches Tirade

In an emotional Canal Park speech before tens of surprised Christmastime consumers, Myra Jeffery today complained loudly about problems in downtown Duluth. Jeffery complained about many issues. Chief among them were the shape of Duluth's buildings, the disrepair along Michigan Street, and Duluth's lascivious sauna industry.

According to bystanders, Jeffery walked over the Aerial Lift Bridge and into Canal Park. It was then that her tirade began. "I am a devout feminist!" yelled Jeffery. She explained that the basis for her feminism was predominately her love of Danielle Steele novels. "I became a feminist after reading her 1995 classic, Five Days in Paris. I may have picked it up because Fabio was on the cover, but after reading it I knew that the females of our species had been kept down!" Jeffery was extremely enthusiastic in everything she said.

Many in the frigid audience were sure of what was coming next. "I've seen her type before," said grandmother Heloise Bretton, "and they always have one thing to say about buildings. They always complain that they're designed by men, that they're tall, and shaped in a certain way. Men who are trying to compensate for things. So was I surprised at what came next? You betcha!" Jeffery had no complaints about the phallic nature of the Medical Arts building. Instead, she was angry that none of the buildings were constructed to replicate a geodesic dome.

"I know of at least five downtowns around that have at least one geodesic dome. Why don't we have one? It's absurd. It's insane! As a feminist, I really resent that!" Jeffery's other passion was Duluth's Michigan Street. "It isn't like Michigan Avenue asked to be the armpit of the City. Let's make it a new Las Vegas!"

Jeffery's complaints about buildings and Michigan Avenue took up most of her speech. In a very angry way, she went into great detail about how to construct a geodesic dome as an office building. Before Jeffery concluded, she brought up her desire for a nice hot sauna. "You know, I've been a feminist for nearly a decade. And let me tell ya, there's a real lack of girly activities here in town. I could go for a nice hot sauna! It always seems like the saunas are filled with like minded men, and women just don't fit in. It's time for a change! I want a sauna!"

Krell Butterfly, owner of Butterfly Books on Park Point, was the last person to see Jeffery before she began her tirade. Krell Butterfly believed that "Jeffery might have been reading some L. Ron Hubbard before she left," and she was definitely muttering something about "thetans and engrams." According to Krell Butterfly, nothing good has ever happened after someone picked up one of those Hubbard books.

Thursday, December 6

Better to Talk Than to Shoot?

Canadians Swarm Duluth; Many Vow Revenge

Duluth may be located almost 200 miles from Thunder Bay, but over the past several weeks it has felt to many as though those damnably rich Canadians are only minutes away. As the dollar has plunged in value, the loonie has soared - making Minnesotan products cheaper to purchase than a beer in Superior. The pestilent Canadians have come mostly from Ontario, although there is speculation that there are some in the area from as far away as the Nunavut Territories.

Scores of Duluthians are losing their minds over the number of Canadians in the area. "I've never been so angry," commented Peg Thatcher of Lakeside. "I counted, and there were 13 Canadian cars in my parking row at Target yesterday. They're everywhere. I had to park at least 100 feet further from the door than I would've if these Canucks weren't ruining my life."

Others have more pointed concerns: contamination of Duluth's beer supply. "The rumors are true," explained Fitger's owner Gabriel Vukonich, "that Canadians really have fallen into our beer vats. I don't know why they've been lurking around the production area, but they've spoiled two batches of lager in the past 10 days." Speculators believe that the predilection toward leaning over vats is the fault of Labatt's. Sipping directly from the vats is encouraged during factory tours at their London, Ontario brewery.

Kevin Aho, who witnessed one fall, claims he heard a yell just as it happened. "His buddy yelled, 'Ah! La rondelle ne roule pas pour lui!' I don't even know what that means. I think it's French. Duluth wants nothing to do with the French. We hate the French. I'll get them for this." Raging Spade Reporter Leif Magnusson, who is part French, found Aho's statement ironic. "First of all," said Magnusson, "he yelled 'The puck isn't going his way!' which seems like a totally appropriate, if unusual, statement in a city that loves hockey. Also, wasn't Duluth founded by a guy from France?"

Outgoing Mayor Herb Bergson believes that many of the Canadians would leave if we just asked them to, "but frankly," droned Bergson, "we want them here. Open the borders, I always say. I like Canada. In fact, perhaps I could use this opportunity to announce my 2009 candidacy for mayor of Thunder Bay."

Wednesday, December 5

Notes From the Underground

Though the Raging Spade had, up until now, maintained a policy of silence regarding our captivity, today we would like to send a dispatch to the outside word. First of all, the writing and editorial staff sends its thanks to the dozens of people who have expressed concern for our safety. For the most part, the 100 ninjas holding us captive treat us humanely. There have been relatively few injuries, and no fatalities. Steven R Auro suffered a grave injury when one of the ninjas severed his hand with a karate chop. However, thanks to quick action and the creative use of fishing line and a sewing needle on the part of Ray Bundren, Sean Freising, and Antonio Chavez, Mr. Auro will be able to write articles again when the swelling goes down.

Our captors have not seen fit to tell us where we are being held. We do know that it is a cave of some sort. For a few hours a day, there is a small beam of sunlight that reaches us. The bats mostly fly several feet above our heads, for which we are very thankful. Thew has fashioned a power generator that allows us to use our satellite uplink for 12 minutes every 3 days. The food that the ninjas provide us is of excellent quality. We are operating under the assumption that at least one, and possibly 8, of the ninjas has attended some sort of culinary institute.

We remain in good spirits, and will endeavor to continue providing our readers with Duluth's breaking news.