Sunday, August 28

Lundegaard's Top 10 Sexiest Broads of the Big Screen

Thanks to one faithful reader and an MSN reporter who shares my name, I've decided to give you MY top 10 sexiest sirens in the movie biz. If you care to contrast them, the other Eric's choices were as follows:

10) Jennifer Love Hewitt
Not only is JLH uber-hot, but she's also multi-faceted. Movies, TV, and music. She's the triple threat. If only she'd return my calls.

9) Kim Cattrall
I know the raised eyebrow faces some of you are giving me, but Kim is smokin'. And I know what a lot of you are thinking... she's not a movie star. For those people I have one word for you . . . Mannequin.

8) Jane Seymour
It's true Jane is mostly known for her role as Dr Quinn, but she has done a few movies. And let's face it, she was in the July issue of Northwest's Skymiles magazine.

7) Gillian Anderson
Some of you may be thinking, "Did he just waste a spot on Dana Sculley?" The answer is yes. But, you must remember I'm a huge, geeky, sciency nerd.

6) Vivica A. Fox
Vivica seems to always be cast with small children, thus making her my list's hot mama. Plus I had to throw a sista on the list.

5) Lindsay Lohan
Ok, before I get any "eww”s, I'd just like to say that from the movies Lindsay has been in, she's been quite attractive. I'm not counting the run down, anorexic waif you see today. See Mean Girls if you still have any doubts.

4) Tanya Roberts
A few of you may be wondering who is Tanya Roberts (although I have a feeling most of you aren’t), but Tanya was the hottest Bond girl ever. Ever, people. Not to mention she was one of Charlie's Angels. Need I say more?

3) Lucy Liu
There's something to be said about a woman who can beat the crap out of you. Lucy does that beating. Every movie she's in, she's wailing on somebody. I don’t know a single dude alive who doesn’t think that’s hot. Plus, she's got freckles.

2) Julianne Moore
Julianne is one of those women who will be beautiful forever. No need for Joan River's-esque face lifts, or implants or collagen, or what have you. Not only that, but she is easily the most talented actress on the list (sans JLH, of course).

1) Uma Thurman
Uma's been so hot in so many movies for so long I don't know where to start. The only movie she wasn't hot in was.... oh wait, there isn't one. I only hope she's getting kickbacks from the yellow jumpsuit industry for keeping their business alive.

Tuesday, August 23

Gigantic New Dam Eliminates Problems

Minnesota Power announced today major plans to build a large hydroelectric dam over much of the western part of Duluth. Some 400 homes will be razed to make way for the dam, primarily in the Gary and New Duluth precincts of the City. The new dam will eliminate many problems, and will provide electricity for all of northern Minnesota and the whole of western Canada.

Wade Lockheed, project manager for Minnesota Power, believes the new project will be an enormous boon for the region. “We all know it takes power to make more power. This dam will open up economic opportunities by eliminating blighted homes in the City’s ugliest neighborhoods. Not only will it be great for the affected families, it will help the City by eliminating the need to provide services such as snow plowing, water, and sewer over a large swath of land. Any places where costs can be cut, well we know that's a good idea.”

Duluth’s elected leadership was ecstatic. Council member Atkins was seen skipping down First Street shouting, “Long Live Minnesota Power, Long Live the New Grand Dam!” Mayor Bergson’s office issued the following statement: “As long as I have lived, I have hated the west side. Kids from over there used to call me ‘short round,’ long before the popular actor Short Round was made famous in the Indiana Jones trilogy. It was really insulting. So I guess I’ll vote to flood them right out of there. Let those rascals move to Superior!”

Scientist Dave Smith believes the proposed dam will have no effects on the area’s environment. “We looked at it all – endangered species, the works. There’s no effect. That’s the bottom line. I’ll vouch to that any day. Is somebody going to question me? They better not. I'm a fricken' scientist. I mean, can birds fly? I'm a scientist. We all know that.”

Mr. Lockheed believes that construction on the dam will begin in mid-2006. “There’s no doubt that there will be a few deaths during its construction. We’re preparing for that. We’ve even got a procedure put together whereby no whole bodies will be buried in the dam – a first for modern dam construction.”

The Raging Spade proposes that the dam be named after Grandma Brochi.

Thursday, August 18

Duluth Man Dies Attempting Feat of Bravery

Joaquin Leslie of Superior Street, age 31, died August 14, 2005 while on a trip to New York City. Mr. Leslie died while valiantly jumping from the Chrysler Building, a feat tried only twice before. Spectators stated that Mr. Leslie’s parachute opened at the 31st floor; experts have long agreed that anyone jumping from a tall building in North America (except in Denver, where air pressure is different) must ensure that their parachutes open by at least the 45th floor.

Friends of Mr. Leslie explained that he was attempting to obtain his place in the Guinness Book of World Records. “We tried for a long time to get him to go for the pickled-egg eating record in a single sitting – it’s only 142 pickled eggs, and he could’ve made it,” wept his friend Ike Woodle, continuing that “he was only 31…he had his whole life before him.” Mr. Leslie, according to friends, was a brazen ninny who never considered the long-term impacts of his risky behavior.

“A real nincompoop, that Joaquin,” explained his mother. “He never worried about me. Only himself. Once, I fell on the floor, and couldn’t get up. He didn’t even bother to come home that night. Too busy attempting to hop on one foot across the top arch of the Aerial Lift Bridge.”

The current record holder for jumping off the Chrysler Building is Thomas Kinkade. Mr. Kinkade was able to live after jumping off the building, opening his parachute at the 51st floor. Mr. Leslie was attempting to break this daring record.

Internment will be in Solway Township Cemetery at the Leslie family plot. Memorials should be sent to the Guinness Book of World Records, care of the Loss Prevention Fund.

Tuesday, August 16

Beer Bellies Gaining in Popularity

The common beer belly, often demonized by health experts world-wide, is now making a popular comeback. Numerous Duluth personalities now support beer bellies. Rumors indicate that even Duluth’s popular Mayor, Herb Bergson, is presently attempting to increase the size and shapeliness of his belly.

But what makes a good beer belly? Edward Herrmann, a popular Hollywood actor, sported a beer belly in The Gift of Life, in 1982. “My beer belly had to be firmly shaped for my role as Dr. Quinn. So I loaded up on the beers, and wore a special device that worked somewhat the opposite of a corset,” he explained. “Needless to say, I had a wonderful beer belly. It took some 2 years to remove.”

And others in Hollywood are working to build up the popular image of the beer belly, which has been out of vogue since the fitness binge of 1987. Zack Graff, of Garden State and Scrubs fame, believes that “beer bellies are really the way of the future. Once my character, a funny doctor, is sporting a beer belly on Scrubs, I think they’ll catch on. Besides the writers, my girlfriend is really pushing me to grow a nice beer belly too. I don’t see how I can go wrong.”

Public health official Juyora Thompson, a fitness expert for St. Louis County, explained that having a beer belly is actually more healthy than not having a beer belly. “Beer is about 78% healthy, and 20% non-healthy. So obviously, drinking more of it is good. Not only that, but a round, pregnancy-shaped belly is really good for the male heart, circulation, and appendix. In fact, beer bellies are probably a good way to reduce the number of appendix removals each year. That should save our hospitals some big bucks, and maybe solve Duluth’s money troubles,” she lucidly dictated.

With both Hollywood and local public officials rallying behind the beer belly, good days are expected at Fitger’s Brewery. The manager of Fitger's stated that beer sales are 8% higher than over the past 40 years, and that the brewery expects to ramp up production by 60% due to the rising beer exports out of state. Surprisingly, no data was available for female beer bellies; however, all popular indications dictate that most female bellies will be growing to normal beer-belly size by early 2008.

Tuesday, August 9

Welcome to the Tour of the Mongoose. I really hope you have a great time.

Duluth is buzzing with citizens debating the effects of a recent surge in the local mongoose population. Some see the mongooses as a menace. Others believe that the mongoose is an ally to human kind. We've asked two of the Raging Spade's finest reporters, Kate Oblonsky and Sean Freising, to give us their take on the issue.

Oblonsky: Round Up the Ruinous Rats

It was a beautiful, sunny day in the Northland. An area woman slipped on her sandals and went outside to water the lilac bushes growing near the woods in her yard. Suddenly, a flash of brown came toward her. Before she knew what was happening, a mongoose had attacked her and bitten off three of her toes.

That woman was me. The loss of three toes means that I will forever have a hard time balancing, but I am incredibly lucky to have escaped with my life.

The recent surge in the local mongoose population is having a devastating impact on the region’s human inhabitants. Sure, mongooses (mongeeze) are cool. But, no doubt, it was a mistake to bring 3,000 into the region.

Though the mongoose is our ally in battling the local snake problem, it must not be forgotten that at any moment, the mongoose can turn on us. The enemy of our enemy is not always our friend.

The mongoose’s incredible agility and strength have made it one of nature’s greatest fighters. However, over time, the mongoose has become increasingly cunning and vicious. In Gary, a woman was seriously injured when a mongoose dove out from some bushes, knocking the woman off her bike, and running off with her thumb and a great quantity of her hair. Even more frightening, a mongoose snuck into the home of a Lakeside man, hid under his bed until nightfall, and then attacked the man in his sleep.

The mongoose is a force to be reckoned with. It is, after all, the only animal that can kill a cobra in battle. Just because the mongoose and man share a common enemy (437 Duluthians suffered fatal cobra bites in 2004), doesn’t mean that man and mongoose are meant to coexist within the city limits.

The fact that a mongoose is living in a crevice in the foundation of my house has me afraid to step outside or invite people over. I haven’t slept in 18 days.

The local government must take steps to move the mongooses out of town. If the problem is not dealt with, the mongoose will slowly take over the city as people become prisoners in their own home, or worse, are eliminated by renegade mongooses.

For those brave souls who venture out – remember – when confronted by a mongoose, the mongoose will try to provoke you into attacking it. It will then avoid your attack by agile dodging. When you are exhausted, the mongoose will seize your head in its jaws and crush your skull. Try not to let this happen.

Freising: Maintain the Mongoose or face Massive Monstrosities

No one in Duluth can deny the twin evils plaguing our city: the pestilent, ever-present cobra and the constant economic woes. There is a solitary means for us to eliminate evil from this city, and it goes by the name “mongoose.”

I own a mongoose farm. And I’m proud of it – last year, I pumped over $89,200 into the local economy, due solely to mongoose sales. With my other farm labors, I’m able to support a staff of 4 full-time people – people with health insurance and people with retirement accounts. To say mongooses (mongeeze) have a large effect on our local economy is an understatement. With a small pack of mongooses (I have only 300) I’m able to supply many local mongoose vendors.

There are some who would question the utility of the mongoose. To them, I say: are you afraid of death in a plane crash? Because when that plane’s parachute comes out and sets you gently upon the ground, you owe the mongoose your life. It is a little known fact that mongoose hairs have an extraordinarily high tensile strength. In a rare feat of bioengineering, mongoose hair is now converted into high-tensile ropes for plane parachutes. And we call these creatures aggressive? They’re saving lives, as far as I can tell.

Outside of economic value, the mongoose kills a cobra swiftly and deftly, bringing peace of mind to the masses. Our city is known for its ultra-aggressive cobras. A non-native snake, the cobra has inhabited Duluth since the days of the first carnival. Two local carnies brought a cobra into Duluth, and we’ve been fighting them ever since.

The largest cobra hotspots have now been cleaned up, thanks to the mongoose. I no longer walk in fear through the alleys in the hospital district; I no longer sit naked and afraid while I bathe at the local public sauna. These two cobra breeding grounds have been cleansed, thanks to the mongoose. But due to the city’s ban on mongooses (mongeeze) in public spaces, the Aquarium is now home to over 1200 cobras. Without the mongoose, it is unlikely that anyone could so much as set foot outside without first taking cobra anti-venom.

Economically, Duluth’s parachute-rope industry is taking off. My farm is working proof of that. And we ALL know that mongooses don’t kill people: cobras kill people. Maintaining and even increasing the number of local mongooses is a boon to Duluth; its citizens and tourists can’t survive without them. Anyone stating otherwise is either a crazy person or insane.

Monday, August 8

CBS to Debut CSI:Brainerd

Hoping to build on the success of their current CSI shows, CBS has planned yet another spinoff; CSI: Brainerd. CBS president and CEO Leslie Moonves made the announcement Monday morning on CBS's Early Show. "There has been a great deal of speculation about another spinoff for the CSI series, and we simply felt no use in hiding it from our viewers any longer."

Moonves went on to discuss his excitement for the new show. "CSI already has a great fan base, obviously, but with (Brainerd) we hope to bring the highly precise, forensic, crime-solving action from Miami and New York to America's heartland. Not only that, but we hope to get a few crossover Fargo fans."

While CBS executives and producers could not be happier with the upcoming series, some Brainerd residents have mixed emotions. "That's all we need are more tourists around Brainerd," stated lifelong resident Gina Hellingsworth. "There's too many as it is with all the lakes and the racetrack and everything. Where're we gonna put everybody?"

Mayor Richard D. Anderson however was much more optimistic. "This is truly a great day for the city of Brainerd, and personally I'm not surprised that CBS decided to use our city. There are so many great locales in Brainerd to use, from the statues of Paul Bunyan to the watertower.... I mean, the posibilities are endless."

Moonves ended by discussing a few possible plot ideas. "Well, the plots will certainly be different from those of the other two shows, and really from any other police show currently on tv. There will be a wide range of stories dealing with the crimes facing rural America, but mostly it will involve hunting accidents and homicides involving farming equipment."

Sunday, August 7

Home Condemned In Munger

Munger, MN - A Munger residence which was overrun with cats has been condemned by the Department of Health and Safety. The legal notice was posted at 9 AM this morning, giving homeowner, 42 year old Jessye Dixon, 24 hours to leave the premises.

The house was brought to attention by neighbor Carol Oates of Shoberg Road. Oates said, "Whenever I's went out to picks me some vittles outta da garden over der, I'd always smell da stinkiest stench comin' my way from across da road. I knew dat lady had a bunch of them cats, but I didn't guess that many!"

After Oates called the Midway First Responders (Midway and Munger lack municipal police protection), they visited the home and spoke with Ms. Dixon. Upon seeing dozens and dozens of cats roaming around the feces filled home, the responder called the county sheriff.

The County Animal Rescue Squad has been working at the Dixon property since yesterday and as of press time had already removed 127 felines from the quaint 2 bedroom bungalow.

Cherese Rupel, Animal Rescue Squad Leader, reported that "cats were even found inside of the walls after clawing through the sheetrock...all of the cats found are getting checked by local vets to get an idea of their level of health. No cats appear to be rabid."

Dixon, a hermit, was not available for comment.

Tuesday, August 2

Munger Deposit Promises Big Rewards

(Duluth, MN) 5:30 PM

A massive deposit of magnetite, the valuable mineral used in the production of magnets, was discovered today in Munger, Minnesota. Munger is located just outside of Duluth. The magnetite deposit was estimated at 9,281 billion cubic yards of accessible material – approximately half the size of the Cuyuna Iron Ore Range found in NE Minnesota almost 100 years ago.

Local businesses were thrilled at the find. Kit-o-Mag King, a Duluth manufacturer of kitchen magnets, was especially motivated. Production Manager Hillie Lout believes that “the new magnetite deposit is going to drive down costs about 7%, increasing our bottom line by almost 45%. We’re looking to expand, maybe starting a new production line, and I think it’s going to result in a lot of happy new refrigerators.” Kit-o-Mag King produces the marginally popular kitchen magnets featuring human-like rabbits with rude slogans. An anonymous tipster believes that with the new production line, the company may expand into a line of magnets featuring human-like bears eating various meats.

The magnetite deposit was found by Munger farmer Clara Zarecki. “I always got the tractor stuck on this one part of the field, ya know, so I started avoidin’ it. Well then eventually I decided to try plowin’ it with an old fashioned donkey-pulled plow, and the plow just plain stuck. So I called my scientist friend to come check it out,” Zarecki alleged.

Local alchemist Dave Smith was amazed. “What I didn’t see right away was how Clara was sitting on the proverbial silvery-black rock-hard gold. Magnetite will sell for top dollar in this market, if we can figure out how to transport it. I guessed, correctly, the size of the deposit, and then helped Clara get it analyzed. I guess it was worth the mangled plow and the dead donkey!,” exclaimed Smith.

Zarecki alleged that the donkey disappeared overnight, perhaps due to a rare or wirey local animal. She expects to begin mining operations in late 2006.