Thursday, April 19

East End Bonanza

East Enders are cringing today at a new economic development proposal submitted by local rancher Yussef Anderson. Anderson, currently owner of a large goat ranch in Duluth township, has proposed a large ostrich ranch located within Duluth city limits.

Anderson obtained permits for the ostrich ranching from the federal government. The federal government owns the land, which stretches from 40th Avenue E. to 62nd Avenue E., between 4th and 6th Streets. Permission was granted after Anderson acquired the federal permits through an earmark in the most recent Health and Human Services Bill signed into law by President Bush late last year.

City officials have not responded to requests for comments. Off the record, two individuals associated with the City have stated that the ostrich farm is likely here to stay. No environmental review was warranted at this time.

Ostrich are prized for their long legs, used in most soups and stews across Canada. Ostrich legs are prohibited for human consumption in the US, but have long been valued across nothern regions as a method for improving lung function during winter months.

Saturday, April 14

Climate Change Likely To Increase Short-Wearing By Over 40%

In a report published Monday by scientists at the Climate Prediction Center, global climate change may have a serious effect on the amount of time Northlanders spend in short pants. Michael Tripoli, a meteorologist at the Duluth branch of the National Weather Service, reiterated the report's findings. "We always knew that global warming was going to affect many apsects of our lives, but it's impact on our community's fashion trends never really crossed our minds." Tripoli says that over the next three decades the average number of 'Short-Wearable Days' in Duluth will increase from 156 in 1998 to 248 in 2038; a 41.2% increase. The most effected by the increase will be the Northland's teen and pre-teen population, who are more susceptable to wearing shorts than any other age group. "The predicted number of SWDs for our area's teens could increase by as much as 54% by 2025, with some models predicting as high as a 60% increase", Tripoli added.

When asked how the CPC's findings may effect Duluthians, Mayor Herb Bergson seemed skeptical yet concerned. "It seems hard to believe that Northlanders, even our highly impressionable youth, will continue to wear shorts when temperatures are in the 40s, considering they could just as easily wait a few weeks until temperatures are in the 50s and 60s. I, personally, would love to be able to waltz around in nothing but a trenchcoat and sneakers from April to October, but I just don't think that's very likely."

While the report's analysis seems bleak, Tripoli believes it's only be the beginning. "I'm afraid the CPC's calculations may be too optimistic. The algorithm used to calculate SWDs is very generous. Our youth is like a canary in a coal mine as far as short-wearing goes, and we must monitor them carefully over the next few years. I'm afraid that Duluth's teens will be empowered by the extra number of lukewarm days and will try to extend their short-wearing opportunities to instances where highs are only in the 30s or possibly even below freezing." Tripoli went on to challenge Duluthians to change their clothing habits for the better. "If we don't all do our part now we could be looking at a community where our citizens wear shorts year around, much like my math TA in college. I'm afraid our city may be in the 11th hour."

Monday, April 9

Under the Sea

Reports from a team of divers sent to investigate a shipwreck that was recently discovered in Lake Superior are offering further details about the ship that may help solve the mystery of how it ended up on the bottom of the Lake. According to Daniel Livingston, the chief diver, the ship "appears to have been some kind of party ship, not unlike the Vista Queen that many visitors and Duluth natives enjoy."

At a press conference held near the bay, Livingston stated that he estimates that the ship sunk sometime in the late 80s or early 90s. "Judging by the items we found on the ship and in the vicinity around the ship, I believe it went down between 1988 and 1995." Debris scattered around the site included one "Pump" sneaker, the leather tag from a pair of Z. Cavaricci jeans, a cassette tape single of the Damn Yankees' song "High Enough", a Lisa Frank stationary set, and a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket.

Many passers-by who heard Livingston's announcement formed their own theories about the shipwreck. "I know exactly what it was," said Richard Evans, a demolition derby enthusiast from Cloquet, "Pequaywanie has been able, for years, to move about from lake to lake in a way that even top scientists can't understand. (S)he took that ship down. I'm convinced of it."

Former high school student Juliet Howard, of Duluth, had an alternative theory. "From the debris they found around the ship, it's pretty safe to say that it's the classic story of a junior-high-dance-on-a-party-boat gone terribly awry. One minute you're dancing to MC Hammer, and the next thing you know, a rogue wave flips the boat right over."

Authorities say the cause of the shipwreck may never be known. It is also uncertain, at this point, whether or not the site is or will be haunted.

Wednesday, April 4

Raging for the Spade

I've heard from several people lately about The Raging Spade.

Some have said, "Where's the Raging Spade? Let's bring it back!"

Others, "What ever happened to that low-quality blog that tried to do satire but really just ended up embarassing itself?"

And finally, "Didn't they get involved in some litigation with World's Finest Chocolates?"

And it's the final question that rings most true. In October of 2006, The Raging Spade was sued by World's Finest Chocolates for libel. What World's Finest Chocolates didn't realize, however, was that The Raging Spade had bona fide evidence that World's Finest Chocolates was indeed fencing diamonds into the United States through Qatar. (The related post was removed from the blog on the advice of our legal staff.) After World's Finest Chocolates realized it didn't have a case The Raging Spade, The Raging Spade counter-sued World's Finest Chocolates. World's Finest Chocolates finally settled for $3.1 million dollars in the a counter-suit in mid-March, and since that time The Raging Spade has considered reorganizing.

What happens to a fake-news organization in the face of adversity? It's hard to say. What's clear, however, is that there is a major void that can't be filled by the likes of Perfect Duluth Day
or the boring, boring Duluth Citizen's Blog.

Do you have thoughts on what should become of The Raging Spade? Comments are appreciated.