Tuesday, January 11

The South May Rise Again!

(New Orleans)

The South may rise again, according to recent reports from New Orleans, Louisiana. "These damned beignets are doing me in," cried local man Jim Olenruud in horror. "The servers just keep yelling 'Le sud montera encore!', repeating it over and over... it's driving me mad!" It's clear that Olenruud is suffering from a classic case of the South rising again.

Fortifications at Duluth City Hall are still light. According to Sergeant Jim Kingsley, the force still has faith in their superior weaponry. "Their pitchforks, machetes, and sabres are no match for the tasers we recently purchased. Thank god we kept those tasers in the budget. I've got orders, though, to begin cordoning off portions of the City the minute we see a ship flying the Stars and Bars from the top of the Radisson," said Kingsley, with not a hint of waver in his voice.

Kingsley is in charge of all ground and nautical fortifications in the case of a full assault by the South. It is advised that all residents of surrounding rural areas seek shelter in Duluth between the area bounded by West 10th Avenue, East 15th Avenue, and 2nd Street. Kingsley explained the reason for this as follows, unedited: "Those good-for-nothing Southerners have infiltrated parts of the rural Arrowhead region. Especially in areas of Munger. You have to watch out. God dammit, lives are at stake. The South HAS infiltrated certain portions of those areas. Our information is good. Just keep your eyes open. Look for the Stars and Bars. And if you smell Southern cooking...well. Those freaking symbols... the signs are unmistakable. The South is everywhere, and it's closing in. By land or by sea, we know they're coming."

Kingsley was fairly certain the South wouldn't arrive by air. The latest intelligence reports indicated that air travel has not yet been discovered in the South.

Be on the look out for anyone who might be from the South. Should you see anyone who looks like they are from the South, please call your local police authority immediately.