Friday, January 21

New Yorkers Turn Into Bunch of Pansy-Ass Wussies

The unusually warm fall and early winter season in the northeast U.S. is being blamed for a mass outbreak of Wussitis in New York City. A city normally filled with bad asses and punks, the city has now become a metropolis of whining little bitches.

"Yo Dawg!!! It's mad cold out here, son" exclaimed Marlon Williams, a local gang leader last Thursday night when the temperature in Manhattan dropped to 14 degrees (12 below the normal). "Dis shizzo is wack, bro. 'S gotta be like 20 below out here o' sumpin. My niggaz can't even be rockin' their Sean John beanies. Da Old Man (Winter) needs to stop frontin', yo."

John Etchberger, the head ER physician at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center says he has never seen an outbreak of Wussitis in New York this large in quite some time. "People are really reacting very poorly to these temperatures. But I think this about the average temperature for New York. I don't understand it.

Jacob Steinman, a Duluth physician also commented on the outbreak. "Wait, what's the temperature? 14? Well, yeah, I guess that's sort of chilly. What? That's the low? 14??? I'd be wearing hot pants right now if it was 14. It hasn't been 14 since Sept 29th! I thought those New Yorkers were tough . . . what a bunch of pussies."

Unfortunately, for New Yorkers, the situation may get worse before it gets better. A blizzard warning has been isssued for the NYC area with 12" of snow expected and wind chills below zero. With more snow and 20 degree temperatures forecasted for next week, New York may be put under quarantine by the CDC.