Wednesday, March 9

Area Ninja Catches Croc

An area ninja is receiving praise from Lakeside residents after capturing a crocodile that has been terrorizing the local population for years. The crocodile was 19 feet long and weighed a full ton. Experts estimate that the croc was approximately 128 years old.

According local lore, the croc traversed the sewers under Lakeside for decades, always eluding animal control. Reports indicate that the beast ate 33 local residents over the years.

Lakeside homeowner, Anton Pavlov, says that his neighborhood is relieved. “I’m very grateful to that ninja. My brother Jacques lost a leg to that croc back in ’58. I never let my kids play outside, or participate in door to door wrapping paper fundraiser sales.”

The crocodile was captured alive by the ninja, who has declined to accept the $10,000 reward residents have offered, and transported to the Lake Superior Zoo. Veterinarians operated to repair damage inflicted by the ninja’s sais. An inventory of the stomach contents revealed a Frisbee, 4 aluminum Crystal Pepsi cans, various human bones, an oil lamp, some piano keys, a monocle, a child size medium “PBR-Me ASAP” promotional T-shirt, and a pendulum.