Thursday, March 31

Stupid Bastards Enter City; Threaten Aquarium

Several stupid bastards entered the City this evening, according to Jim Thunderhorse.

Thunderhorse claims that the stupid bastards entered the City via the St. Louis River Road, and is under the impression that they originated somewhere on the North Shore or the Iron Ridge. The stupid bastards proceeded down St. Louis River Road to Grand Avenue, and then proceeded North to Downtown. Several of the stupid bastards appeared to have imbibed a significant amount of what they called "bathtub brew," more commonly known as moonshine.

Thunderhorse stated that he spoke to one of the bastards. "The stupid bastard had a mohawk, and he was pretty lucid for someone who drank a quart of bathtub juice, or whatever he called it, on his way to Duluth from Biwabik. I guess he was pretty angry about the aquarium, and he was going to try to melt it by pouring some bathtub juice on it."

Though Thunderhorse appears reliable, he himself may have taken part in the festivities of the stupid bastards. Police reports indicate that the stupid bastards scattered around 8th Street East, after breaking several bottles along Superior Street. One anonymous police officer mentioned that the stupid bastards were not just angry about the aquarium - he believes they may have a hidden agenda relating to bringing communism to Duluth from its den on the Range.

Perhaps, then, those stupid bastards weren't so stupid after all. A peaceful demonstration ended with speculation by many that the stupid bastards would be back without too much delay. The Spade will continue to follow this breaking story as the stupid bastards proceed along on their wayward journey.