MEMBERS ONLY

(Duluth)

The corporate headquarters of the Members Only Corporation will soon call downtown Duluth home, according to Chief Financial Officer Luke Joynes. “Members Only looks forward to coming to Duluth. We’re also proud to have purchased the historic 8-story Owens Building, which is currently undergoing extensive renovations.”

Members Only is best known for their ubiquitous jackets bearing the “Members Only” tag. During the 1980s, the jackets were commonly sold by popular merchants JC Penny, Macy’s, Sears, and Bloomingdales. In the 1990s through August of 2001, Members Only pursued more unusual venues, including Menards, the Electric Fetus, and occasionally Wal-Mart. Production stopped in August of 2001, “because for relatively minor health reasons, they halted production of the fabric necessary in the production of the jackets,” explained Joynes after repeated prodding. Further investigation showed that the material in question was asbestos, which gave the jackets their peculiar veneer. Litigation is pending, and Members Only expects a favorable verdict.

In 2004, Members Only grossed 1.3 million dollars. Financial data shows that approximately 72% of the revenue came from adult-related products. “After the thing with the jackets, we found that the name ‘Members Only’ lent itself well to adult-related products, on many levels. However, we’re working to re-diversify our product mix to include a new line of jackets, and plan to roll out a line of shiny hot pants in July.”

City officials believe the new headquarters will bring a renewed sense of community to downtown. Mayor Bergson will release a statement Wednesday regarding the exciting redevelopment project. Members Only was trading at $7.50 on the Nasdaq exchange Friday.