New Discovery Embarasses Earth

A team of international scientists has confirmed this week that a celestial body discovered over a year ago is, in fact, a giant planet orbiting a star approximately 225 light-years away from earth near the constellation Hydra. Named 2M1207b, the newly discovered planet is the first ever imaged outside of our solar system.

Upon discovery, NASA scientists immediately focused their efforts on examining the planet more closely. Reports and photos from a Super-Telescope in Chile will be released later in the week. According to astronomer Ralph Livingston, the report will come as a shock to many. “2M1207b is quite advanced. 2M beings are already using flying cars. It appears that all households have servant robots, and meals are available in pill form. They’re way beyond where we are on earth.”

“It’s really kind of embarrassing,” says scientist Frederick James. “We should all be getting around by private jet packs. It’s 2005 for crying out loud. These beings on 2M1207b have probably been watching us for years with their own Super-Telescopes, just laughing at us. Driving cars on the ground like idiots.”

Local Teen Explores New Career Path

A Duluth teen devised a new plan for her future after a Friday night showing of Sin City at a local theater. Amber King, who was contemplating attending a state university or tech school in the fall, is now considering another option, specifically, the lucrative world of prostitution.

“It never occurred to me to go into the prostitution business. It always seemed kind of sceevy and gross. I never knew that it’s really an occupation for beautiful people with great hygiene. I mean, it can't be that bad if Rory Gilmore would do it. And Clive Owen is so hot! Plus, I could get a really sweet vintage convertible.”

Sin City is being lauded by sociologists for its accurate portrayal of prostitutes. “People have this stereotype that hookers are all misunderstood, tough-on-the-outside girls with hearts of gold – like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. The truth of the matter is that most prostitutes are business minded, empowered, no-nonsense pragmatists,” says Dr. William Green.

A Shoe is a Shoe

The Cherokee shoe manufacturing company, longtime leader in the footwear industry, is coming out with a line that will further solidify their position as the "sole" footwear company of choice. Nine out of ten podiatrists agree that the "Mini Seeing Eye Horse" line of tennis shoes is the best of its kind.

"I conceived the idea observing my niece Danielle's mini horse, Skippy, around their cottage," says Cherokee engineer Maury Singleton. "The adorable cherub was a Godsend, but his little hooves kept scratching the hardwood floors." Singleton experimented for awhile with everything from cut up tennis balls to sweatsocks, but says that "Skippy would slip and fall everytime he began to gallop. Then I thought to myself, 'Self, people wear sneakers. Why can't horses, let alone mini ones?"

The new Cherokee shoe line is called the "4-H Excalibur Air." The shoes come in velcro or tie form, with non-skid soles and an air circulation system that operates from an oat-shaped pump on the tongue. The shoe comes in white, black, and mother of pearl.

Pat Benatar Takes on Sin City

Pat Benatar filed suit against the producers of the movie Sin City this week. The 1980s music superstar claims the plot of the movie was stolen from her 1983 video "Love is a Battlefield."

Benatar's video tells the story of who left home to become a prostitute and wear hideous 80s punk/prostitute clothes. The girl takes refuge in a seedy bar with a score of similarly situated prostitutes and participates in a spontaneous, yet perfectly choreographed, dance utilizing a great amount of shoulder action. When a pimp/mobster/goon comes to cause trouble, the prostitutes shoulder dance him right out of town, proving just how much protection and pride can be had by being a member of a shoulder-dancing pack of prostitutes.

In the 2005 film, Sin City, a section of the city called "Old Town" is run by a hierarchy of prostitutes. When a thug comes to kill their leader, a band of prostitutes rallies together to shoot him 8,237 times, thus illustrating that nothing is more glamorous and kick-ass than joining a militant prostitute gang.

Producers of the film say they will defend the suit. Says one, "There is nothing original about prostitutes with high self esteem, not taking crap from anyone, looking out for each other to protect their way of life."

Lawyers for Benatar had no comment. The case is set to be heard in late May.

Sweet.

Jon Heder, most well known for the box-office indie hit, Napoleon Dynamite, was seen on a tour through the hall of Proctor High School last week. A source from Proctor's inner office tells us he is looking to open enroll his only child, Ezekial, into PHS's class of 2021. According to close friends of Jon he "just wants his kid to have a simple life - and they [Jon and family] want to be able to keep a home in a town that supports religious diversity". Jon has heard tell of the families that move in and begin their own churches in make-shift 'holy' pole barns, and he's hoping to start a following with the Mormon faith in Duluth. The 26 year old is not remotely done with his acting career, and thusfar he has no intentions of permanently moving up north, but if he ever does make the big move - Proctor High allowing his son in would be, in his words, "pretty fricken sweet".

Ancient Speedway Rises Again

Proctor Speedway will once again put on great displays of human endurance, starting May 5th at the Speedway, conveniently located along Boundary Avenue - easy access to Duluth, Superior, and Hermantown. The Speedway will be sponsoring a press junket at Blackwoods Bar and Grill in Proctor on May 5th, and the Spade will bring you the latest in fast-car action shortly after the exciting press junket.

Hermantown Hit By Early El-Nino Blast

A spring el nino blast hit Hermantown around 4:15 pm yesterday, according to reports from the weather watchers at Wal-Mart. The blast was the earliest recorded evidence of el nino in the northland, and was cited as a direct effect from global warming, according to Jim Smith, local professor.

Smith claims that el nino effects, including damaging whispy-whirls and thunderbolts, may occur with increasing frequency in the greater Hermantown area. "The flatness of Hermantown, as compared with Duluth, is a huge factor in the development of whispy-whirls," shouted Smith, who is mildly hard of hearing.

Several whispy-whirls were spotted by Wal-Mart employees, who now believe that the destruction of several cart-corrals and the flinging of several carts directly into the store via the roof. The employees previously were under the impression that some sort of super-beast was responsible.

Any residents seeing a whispy-whirl should immediately call 911, according to Smith. Smith cautioned that whispy-whirls would not form in Duluth, due to its hilly topography.

US Senate Green With Envy After Duma Antics

Last week in Russia, flamboyant ultranationalist lawmaker Vladimir Zhirinovsky spat at an opponent and grabbed him by the hair before being pummeled by other colleagues in a parliament brawl.

The recent incident in Moscow has US Senate aid Julia Wilson wishing for things to liven up a bit on the Senate floor. “It’s a real struggle to stay awake every day, that’s for sure. It’s exceptionally dull. I’d love to see one Senator just walk up and punch another Senator in the face. That would be something worth paying attention to.”

A recent Georgetown University study reported Senators and their support staff spend approximately 12% of their time in the capitol awake. According to Wilson, staff at the capitol unanimously agrees that they would like to see some fisticuffs.