Tuesday, August 23

Gigantic New Dam Eliminates Problems

Minnesota Power announced today major plans to build a large hydroelectric dam over much of the western part of Duluth. Some 400 homes will be razed to make way for the dam, primarily in the Gary and New Duluth precincts of the City. The new dam will eliminate many problems, and will provide electricity for all of northern Minnesota and the whole of western Canada.

Wade Lockheed, project manager for Minnesota Power, believes the new project will be an enormous boon for the region. “We all know it takes power to make more power. This dam will open up economic opportunities by eliminating blighted homes in the City’s ugliest neighborhoods. Not only will it be great for the affected families, it will help the City by eliminating the need to provide services such as snow plowing, water, and sewer over a large swath of land. Any places where costs can be cut, well we know that's a good idea.”

Duluth’s elected leadership was ecstatic. Council member Atkins was seen skipping down First Street shouting, “Long Live Minnesota Power, Long Live the New Grand Dam!” Mayor Bergson’s office issued the following statement: “As long as I have lived, I have hated the west side. Kids from over there used to call me ‘short round,’ long before the popular actor Short Round was made famous in the Indiana Jones trilogy. It was really insulting. So I guess I’ll vote to flood them right out of there. Let those rascals move to Superior!”

Scientist Dave Smith believes the proposed dam will have no effects on the area’s environment. “We looked at it all – endangered species, the works. There’s no effect. That’s the bottom line. I’ll vouch to that any day. Is somebody going to question me? They better not. I'm a fricken' scientist. I mean, can birds fly? I'm a scientist. We all know that.”

Mr. Lockheed believes that construction on the dam will begin in mid-2006. “There’s no doubt that there will be a few deaths during its construction. We’re preparing for that. We’ve even got a procedure put together whereby no whole bodies will be buried in the dam – a first for modern dam construction.”

The Raging Spade proposes that the dam be named after Grandma Brochi.