Thursday, August 18

Duluth Man Dies Attempting Feat of Bravery

Joaquin Leslie of Superior Street, age 31, died August 14, 2005 while on a trip to New York City. Mr. Leslie died while valiantly jumping from the Chrysler Building, a feat tried only twice before. Spectators stated that Mr. Leslie’s parachute opened at the 31st floor; experts have long agreed that anyone jumping from a tall building in North America (except in Denver, where air pressure is different) must ensure that their parachutes open by at least the 45th floor.

Friends of Mr. Leslie explained that he was attempting to obtain his place in the Guinness Book of World Records. “We tried for a long time to get him to go for the pickled-egg eating record in a single sitting – it’s only 142 pickled eggs, and he could’ve made it,” wept his friend Ike Woodle, continuing that “he was only 31…he had his whole life before him.” Mr. Leslie, according to friends, was a brazen ninny who never considered the long-term impacts of his risky behavior.

“A real nincompoop, that Joaquin,” explained his mother. “He never worried about me. Only himself. Once, I fell on the floor, and couldn’t get up. He didn’t even bother to come home that night. Too busy attempting to hop on one foot across the top arch of the Aerial Lift Bridge.”

The current record holder for jumping off the Chrysler Building is Thomas Kinkade. Mr. Kinkade was able to live after jumping off the building, opening his parachute at the 51st floor. Mr. Leslie was attempting to break this daring record.

Internment will be in Solway Township Cemetery at the Leslie family plot. Memorials should be sent to the Guinness Book of World Records, care of the Loss Prevention Fund.