Friday, July 1

Government Shuts Down - Raging Spade may Cease Publication


The editor of the Raging Spade determined at 5:00 AM today that the newspaper might be doomed as a result of the current government shutdown in Minnesota. "We've got a lot of enemies," he said, "Milk, for example, was at the Spade offices last week with scythes. The only stopping them from chopping us to bits was the state government."

The state government shutdown occured today as a result of irresponsible citizens voting for idiots who made irresponsible no-new-tax pledges. Spade reporter Chelsea Delmaro, who covers government for the Spade, explained "when I knew that the state government was going to shut down, I told the editor to start making preparations. I knew about this in March, so he or she has had a lot of time to start digging foxholes."

Spade enemy The Ripsaw indicated plans to begin shelling the Spade's offices with mortar at about 6:58 AM. Ripsaw editors, in a fury of rage, were already in the streets drawing diagrams at 1:00 AM. "We're not going to take this any longer - we've had enough of the lies, more lies, and outright lies coming from the Raging Spade. They've continually sullied our reputation because of our solid reporting on good jazz music in Duluth," shouted one of the wild-eyed Ripsaw editors.

The Spade editor commented, "we're going to be putting up sandbags around the windows. We're going to put up solid 3-inch steel doors at all the entrances. Basically, the offices should be secure - for the time being. There are one or two doomsday scenarios. The first is that the City employees, in this state of Anarchy, attack the office. They've got bunker busters, so we'd be toast. And the second is if even one employee here loses morale. To keep morale high, we're serving high-quality granola every hour, on the hour. We've had a huge granola supply waylaid for just this sort of event."

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