Monday, May 16

Irresponsible Man Kills Pedestrian

5:52 PM. (Duluth)

Jeffe Yoolang learned a hard lesson today: it’s just not safe to drive with any old crap on top of the car. At about 4:42, John Doe was pronounced dead at St. Mary’s Medical Center, the victim of an obvious accident waiting to happen. Yoolang will be charged with gross negligence, punishable by up to 62 hours on the local chain-gang.

The incident began when Yoolang purchased a new recliner at Goodwill Industries on Garfield Avenue. “I didn’t have a way to get the beast home, so I figured I could just tie it to the top of my trusty 1982 Le Car. I’ve tied all sorts of crap up there – I once brought a tree home from Menards tied to it, and once I even tied a fishing boat to it. I guess it was a small fishing boat, though. It ended up leaking, anyway” stated Yoolang.

Eyewitness reports indicate that Yoolang drove from Goodwill to Downtown Duluth, where he proceeded up the hill. After reaching 5th Street, he realized he lived on 3rd Street – and had to head back down the hill. He turned to go down the hill, and proceeded safely through the 4th Street intersection. At the 3rd Street Intersection, when Yoolang went to turn left, the chair went flying off the car – directly into the chest of Doe, who was squashed.

“That will teach me to tie things to the top of my Le Car with bungee cords, I guess,” stated a sullen-looking Yoolang. Police believe Yoolang will be arraigned in the morning. The Police also added “tying things to your car isn’t really tying them, if you’re just using bungee cords.”