Saturday, April 14

Climate Change Likely To Increase Short-Wearing By Over 40%

In a report published Monday by scientists at the Climate Prediction Center, global climate change may have a serious effect on the amount of time Northlanders spend in short pants. Michael Tripoli, a meteorologist at the Duluth branch of the National Weather Service, reiterated the report's findings. "We always knew that global warming was going to affect many apsects of our lives, but it's impact on our community's fashion trends never really crossed our minds." Tripoli says that over the next three decades the average number of 'Short-Wearable Days' in Duluth will increase from 156 in 1998 to 248 in 2038; a 41.2% increase. The most effected by the increase will be the Northland's teen and pre-teen population, who are more susceptable to wearing shorts than any other age group. "The predicted number of SWDs for our area's teens could increase by as much as 54% by 2025, with some models predicting as high as a 60% increase", Tripoli added.

When asked how the CPC's findings may effect Duluthians, Mayor Herb Bergson seemed skeptical yet concerned. "It seems hard to believe that Northlanders, even our highly impressionable youth, will continue to wear shorts when temperatures are in the 40s, considering they could just as easily wait a few weeks until temperatures are in the 50s and 60s. I, personally, would love to be able to waltz around in nothing but a trenchcoat and sneakers from April to October, but I just don't think that's very likely."

While the report's analysis seems bleak, Tripoli believes it's only be the beginning. "I'm afraid the CPC's calculations may be too optimistic. The algorithm used to calculate SWDs is very generous. Our youth is like a canary in a coal mine as far as short-wearing goes, and we must monitor them carefully over the next few years. I'm afraid that Duluth's teens will be empowered by the extra number of lukewarm days and will try to extend their short-wearing opportunities to instances where highs are only in the 30s or possibly even below freezing." Tripoli went on to challenge Duluthians to change their clothing habits for the better. "If we don't all do our part now we could be looking at a community where our citizens wear shorts year around, much like my math TA in college. I'm afraid our city may be in the 11th hour."