God Totally Kicking Humans' Asses

- Heaven

God made public Wednesday that He has been thoroughly kicking the human race's ass for the past few months. "Lowly humans, you have angered me. I now beseech you with a thousand plagues!" the almighty boomed from His golden throne in Heaven. God's statement comes on the heel of several natural disasters, including Hurricane Katrina, the killer Earthquake in Pakistan, and yesterday's devastating Hurricane Wilma in south Florida. God's anger was clearly evident from the events of the past 90 days as well as today's divine press conference. "I am a vengeful and spiteful God and your antics have plagued me for far too long! Now you will feel my wrath!"

Bob Johnson, an Earth Science professor at Lake Superior College reacted to God's statements. "Man, I was always taught that the Earth was governed by a complex set of physics laws, but after hearing how pissed God was I totally changed my mind." Johnson, along with many human beings, has had a spiritual awakening of sorts. "I used to teach my students things like the shifting of Earth's tectonic plates, the dynamics or our atmosphere, and the theory of evolution. I'm going to have to revamp my whole curriculum now. Damn . . . was I off."

God planned more natural disasters if His demands are not met soon. "Heed my warnings, my children. You must regain your virtue. No more gay marriage or all-you-can-eat buffets. Regain your innocence; get back to the 10 Commandments. And would it kill you to offer up some sacrifices? Those aren't just for those crazy, made-up gods in Asia, you know? I enjoy them every now and then too."

While God agreed to stop the carnage if His demands are met, the Almighty continued to make threats. "This is simply the start, puny mortals. I haven't even pulled out the big guns yet. Volcanoes, locusts, meteor showers, you name it. They've all got your names on 'em. Don't make me send Jesus down there again. I made you from dust and I can turn you back into dust."