Thursday, October 20

Long Dead Traitor Speaks to Self-Proclaimed "Rey del Mar"

David Collins, the self proclaimed "Rey del Mar" (King of the Sea), has purportedly been holding in-depth interviews with Benedict Arnold, a traitor from the Revolutionary War who died in 1801. Mr. Arnold's most well-known treachery was the attempted sale of West Point, then the American Military Academy, to the British in 1780 for the price of 6000 pounds sterling.

Collins claims to have held six interviews with Arnold, all centered around how to best corner the market for illegal ivory trafficking in Duluth. "Ben has been giving me some good advice - like how I can build an x-ray machine to see into cargo holds and semi-trailers, where they store the ivory."

The Duluth Police Force is dubious about Collins ability to speak to Benedict Arnold. "We are well aware of the black market trafficking of ivory that goes on in Duluth. We have just purchased several ivory sniffing dogs for the very purpose of searching vessels. But is Collins getting advice from Benedict Arnold? No way. If he was doling out advice, it seems obvious that it would be about real estate, not the black market."

Collins, however, is adament that Mr. Arnold has provided assistance. "If I hadn't heeded his advice, would I have trafficked 2 kilos of ivory powder and 18 full tusks of ivory in the last quarter?"

Moreover, Collins appears unconcerned about the possible legal ramifications of trafficking ivory. "I'm the goddammed Rey del Mar, for pete's sake. I've got every damned right to levy a tax on ivory within 50 miles of Lake Superior. If that means confiscating the off load of cargo, so be it. Just watch - Benedict's fortune, along with my own, will soon rise far above that of El Rey del Sol."

Collins refused to explain who, or what, he was referring to when he said, 'El Rey del Sol.' The literal translation is "King of the Sun," but most likely, it is only more gibberish from this man who is plainly and completely insane.