Tuesday, June 7

Shark Ends Early Summer Fun

(Park Point)

A salt-water shark normally found only in the Atlantic Ocean entered the Duluth Harbor today after maiming four children at Park Point. One shark-related death had not been confirmed at the time of this writing. All four children remain in bloody condition at St. Mary’s Water Trauma Center.

The parents of the injured children were significantly disturbed by the occurrence, threatening to sue Canada for damages. Angry parent Ken Lomax believes “for some reason, Canada didn’t stop this shark from coming through its lock and dam. And they’re liable for that.”

The Great White Shark, spotted last week at Two Harbors, entered Lake Superior through the Ste. St. Marie shipping canal. It is quite common for Great Whites to eat entire people in states like Florida and South Carolina, but is unheard of in the Great Lakes.

Eloise Unger, Director of the MN Dept. of Fish and Lakes, believes that the shark may have had a chemical imbalance, causing it to seek the freshest possible water. Unger explained, “what most people don’t know about the Great White is that they absorb a lot of salt. Sometimes, whatever part of them is absorbing the salt goes awry. In this case, the shark was probably full of salt, and needed to dilute it. And along with that, eating humans is par for the course for Great Whites.”

UMD Scientist Dave Smith disagrees. “The Great White isn’t prone to eating humans unless it has been exposed to nuclear radiation. We’ve proved that time and again in the lab,” stated Smith, with confidence. Smith believes that it is possible that the shark was exposed to radiation on its way through Canadian waters.

City officials plan to close all public waters to swimming and boating until future notice. Commercial activity in Duluth’s port will be closely monitored for any shark-related activities for several weeks. The City will not tolerate any commercial operation offering a safe haven to the renegade shark.