Friday, June 3

American Mystery Solved

A decades old mystery has been solved this week with the announcement that Deep Throat, the person who brought down the Nixon White House, has been identified. For years, there have been dozens of suspects, but no one has been certain who the mysterious source was. Until now.

In a press conference Tuesday, it was revealed that Deep Throat is actually Ben Matlock.

Matlock was not one of those suspected of being the informer.

According to Watergate historian, William Davis, “Matlock was never suspected. It’s to his credit, really. No one would suspect a bumbling, rambling, scatter-brained, white-haired man. But that’s his genius. He gets you to underestimate him, and think he’s a fool, and then BAM. He solves the case, or, you know, gives secret information about corruption to the press.”

Asked if the revelation would harm his popularity among senior citizens, Davis said, “I doubt it. Matlock is beloved by senior citizens. I don’t think anything he could do would shake that. Snitch or not, they’ll still be tuning in. With love in their hearts.”