Thursday, December 6

Better to Talk Than to Shoot?

Canadians Swarm Duluth; Many Vow Revenge

Duluth may be located almost 200 miles from Thunder Bay, but over the past several weeks it has felt to many as though those damnably rich Canadians are only minutes away. As the dollar has plunged in value, the loonie has soared - making Minnesotan products cheaper to purchase than a beer in Superior. The pestilent Canadians have come mostly from Ontario, although there is speculation that there are some in the area from as far away as the Nunavut Territories.

Scores of Duluthians are losing their minds over the number of Canadians in the area. "I've never been so angry," commented Peg Thatcher of Lakeside. "I counted, and there were 13 Canadian cars in my parking row at Target yesterday. They're everywhere. I had to park at least 100 feet further from the door than I would've if these Canucks weren't ruining my life."

Others have more pointed concerns: contamination of Duluth's beer supply. "The rumors are true," explained Fitger's owner Gabriel Vukonich, "that Canadians really have fallen into our beer vats. I don't know why they've been lurking around the production area, but they've spoiled two batches of lager in the past 10 days." Speculators believe that the predilection toward leaning over vats is the fault of Labatt's. Sipping directly from the vats is encouraged during factory tours at their London, Ontario brewery.

Kevin Aho, who witnessed one fall, claims he heard a yell just as it happened. "His buddy yelled, 'Ah! La rondelle ne roule pas pour lui!' I don't even know what that means. I think it's French. Duluth wants nothing to do with the French. We hate the French. I'll get them for this." Raging Spade Reporter Leif Magnusson, who is part French, found Aho's statement ironic. "First of all," said Magnusson, "he yelled 'The puck isn't going his way!' which seems like a totally appropriate, if unusual, statement in a city that loves hockey. Also, wasn't Duluth founded by a guy from France?"

Outgoing Mayor Herb Bergson believes that many of the Canadians would leave if we just asked them to, "but frankly," droned Bergson, "we want them here. Open the borders, I always say. I like Canada. In fact, perhaps I could use this opportunity to announce my 2009 candidacy for mayor of Thunder Bay."