Wednesday, December 5

Notes From the Underground

Though the Raging Spade had, up until now, maintained a policy of silence regarding our captivity, today we would like to send a dispatch to the outside word. First of all, the writing and editorial staff sends its thanks to the dozens of people who have expressed concern for our safety. For the most part, the 100 ninjas holding us captive treat us humanely. There have been relatively few injuries, and no fatalities. Steven R Auro suffered a grave injury when one of the ninjas severed his hand with a karate chop. However, thanks to quick action and the creative use of fishing line and a sewing needle on the part of Ray Bundren, Sean Freising, and Antonio Chavez, Mr. Auro will be able to write articles again when the swelling goes down.

Our captors have not seen fit to tell us where we are being held. We do know that it is a cave of some sort. For a few hours a day, there is a small beam of sunlight that reaches us. The bats mostly fly several feet above our heads, for which we are very thankful. Thew has fashioned a power generator that allows us to use our satellite uplink for 12 minutes every 3 days. The food that the ninjas provide us is of excellent quality. We are operating under the assumption that at least one, and possibly 8, of the ninjas has attended some sort of culinary institute.

We remain in good spirits, and will endeavor to continue providing our readers with Duluth's breaking news.