Tuesday, December 11

Angry Woman Launches Tirade

In an emotional Canal Park speech before tens of surprised Christmastime consumers, Myra Jeffery today complained loudly about problems in downtown Duluth. Jeffery complained about many issues. Chief among them were the shape of Duluth's buildings, the disrepair along Michigan Street, and Duluth's lascivious sauna industry.

According to bystanders, Jeffery walked over the Aerial Lift Bridge and into Canal Park. It was then that her tirade began. "I am a devout feminist!" yelled Jeffery. She explained that the basis for her feminism was predominately her love of Danielle Steele novels. "I became a feminist after reading her 1995 classic, Five Days in Paris. I may have picked it up because Fabio was on the cover, but after reading it I knew that the females of our species had been kept down!" Jeffery was extremely enthusiastic in everything she said.

Many in the frigid audience were sure of what was coming next. "I've seen her type before," said grandmother Heloise Bretton, "and they always have one thing to say about buildings. They always complain that they're designed by men, that they're tall, and shaped in a certain way. Men who are trying to compensate for things. So was I surprised at what came next? You betcha!" Jeffery had no complaints about the phallic nature of the Medical Arts building. Instead, she was angry that none of the buildings were constructed to replicate a geodesic dome.

"I know of at least five downtowns around that have at least one geodesic dome. Why don't we have one? It's absurd. It's insane! As a feminist, I really resent that!" Jeffery's other passion was Duluth's Michigan Street. "It isn't like Michigan Avenue asked to be the armpit of the City. Let's make it a new Las Vegas!"

Jeffery's complaints about buildings and Michigan Avenue took up most of her speech. In a very angry way, she went into great detail about how to construct a geodesic dome as an office building. Before Jeffery concluded, she brought up her desire for a nice hot sauna. "You know, I've been a feminist for nearly a decade. And let me tell ya, there's a real lack of girly activities here in town. I could go for a nice hot sauna! It always seems like the saunas are filled with like minded men, and women just don't fit in. It's time for a change! I want a sauna!"

Krell Butterfly, owner of Butterfly Books on Park Point, was the last person to see Jeffery before she began her tirade. Krell Butterfly believed that "Jeffery might have been reading some L. Ron Hubbard before she left," and she was definitely muttering something about "thetans and engrams." According to Krell Butterfly, nothing good has ever happened after someone picked up one of those Hubbard books.