Wednesday, August 4

Editorial: Mushy Apples Are Gross

Mushy apples are gross. What is worse than biting into an apple that should not really be mushy, and then finding that it is, in fact, mushy? Not much. The only possible worse outcomes would be finding out that the apple is actually a cleverly disguised grenade, or was full of poison, or had something to do with Twilight and you didn't know it but then when people saw you, they'd think, "oh, that person likes Twilight stuff."

Today, I bit into an apple that I bought two or three days ago. So, not super old. It's one of those green and red kind. (Not Sonya. Braeburn, maybe?) I buy them specifically because they are not mushy and I prefer my apples to be like, as close to concrete as possible. Anyway, they're supposed to be crisp. ("Crisp" is a weird word. Seriously, say it out loud. It's weird.) I even pick out the ones that are more greenish in color because I made up a fact in my head that these ones would be the most crispy. So imagine my disgust when I bit into one of these apples and it was mushy. It was mushy.

It tasted like betrayal.

This brings up an important question. Who on earth buys that really red, tall kind of apples that are always mushy. The ones where mushy is one of their natural characteristics? It's insanity.