Theory Frustrates Mustached People

Researchers at the University of Minnesota-Duluth today submitted a white paper on the negative effects of wearing a mustache for both men and women. Handlebar mustaches were the most detrimental, resulting in frequent, psychologically damaging encounters with members of the "porcine" family of mammals.

These "hairs or bristles growing near the mouth of an animal," as mustaches are more commonly known, result in immediate problems. When the hairs are groomed and cultivated, the results can be deadly: the study cites two attacks on people with trimmed mustaches in the Duluth neighborhood of "Gary-New Duluth" during the past four months. In those attacks, the assailant was never identified; it appears unlikely that it was a member of the "porcine" family of mammals, but it remains possible that the attacks could've been perpetrated by a related mammal.

"There ain't no way I'm givin' up my moustaki," said an old greek logger, fond of using the language of the old country to describe the excessive facial hair found on his upper lip. "No question, she's a sign of the times," he continued, "when you're dealin' with them uppity big-wigs at the college. They don't know a pinch." The logger was vague about whether he'd ever experienced any trauma due to his "moustaki," but cautioned that women with substantial hair should be avoided. "It ain't right, no. Why, I've seen them women comin' outta bars in Tofte with more hair on their upper lip than I grown my whole life."

The paper will be published in the December edition of the Journal of Follicle Science. To help inform the public, the research team will give free presentations on the subject at various Duluth locations after publication.

Weird Sales Clerk Admits: I do read the Tabloids

The tabloid weeklies are known far and wide for their sordid tales of Britney's missing underpants, Bat Boy, and Brangelina's newest adoptee. Some are even known for stooping to a political level, wreaking havoc through claims of Laura Bush's roboticness and George Bush's tippling and extramarital affairs. The most popular, The National Examiner and The Sun, are both for sale at the West Duluth Super America.

Ken Hutchins, an employee at Super America for over 2 years, used to claim he never touched them. Cup Morris, manager at Super America, believed him: "Ken always claimed he never read them, and I believed him."

Hutchins explains it differently, saying that "I never meant any harm. But when the headline read 'DiCaprio Poses Nude,' I had to pick it up. After that, I was hooked, even though it was a one-time thing. I only read them that once at work."

Customers have a different take. Beth Quentin gets her coffee from Super America every morning. "Ken was reading those things all the time. Every morning he gorged himself on another one. I think sometimes he might've read them more than once, even. And he was definitely reading them well before Leonardo DiCaprio posed nude. I mean, that was just two months ago. The first time I remember Ken reading one was when The Weekly World News did an expose on Bat Boy's genealogy, which had to be back in '05."

Manager Cup Morris believes the integrity of news publications are important to Super America. "We like to deliver to our customers a genuine new product. We don't want to go around selling used newspapers, even if they are weeklies." Morris has a strategy for determining which employees are reading the weeklies, now that it has come to light. "Now that this has come to light, I'm going to do more - dust for fingerprints, if need be." Hutchins, however, will escape discipline for the time being. His only punishment? He will be required to refill the beer and soda cooler daily.

"I don't mind that sort of work," said Hutchins gleefully, "it gives me more opportunities to stare at the customers."

Local Farmers Hold Cow Tipping Contest

Keeping with the spirit of harvest time, several local farmers have banded together to start a cow tipping contest at Hanover Ranch in Cotton. Joe Darter, owner of 200 head, was the winner at the inaugural contest.

Darter, 29, owns Mulberry Acres farm in Allouez, Wisconsin. "I've been having the most dull time as a farmer," Darter explained over a coffee at Starvin' Marvin's. "There's just not a lot going on. I spend some time tending to the cows, and sure, there's some needin' a little extra care. But most just eat their grass, regurgitate it, and eat it again - that's about all there is to it. Never said raisin' cattle was tricky."

Typical of most cows, Darter's have four stomachs. Each of the stomachs acts as a holding tank with grasses of different consistencies, not dissimilar from what is found at a typical Starvin' Marvin's salad bar. Darter believes that "the cow tippin' process has a beneficial effect on 'em. First, it gets me more one-on-one time with the cows. So I practice a lot. And second, it helps their movin' abilities, which makes for better eatin' in the winter. Most farmers know that."

The prize this year was an honorary bronzed cow, which Darter plans to mount as a hood ornament on his barn. "No sense havin' a barn if it don't have an ornament," he explained. Darter believes competition next year will be tough. After besting 34 competitors at this year's contest, he will spend the winter preparing. "I've got a lot of cows to tip, and they ain't tippin' themselves."

Now that's good eatin'.