Theory Frustrates Mustached People

Researchers at the University of Minnesota-Duluth today submitted a white paper on the negative effects of wearing a mustache for both men and women. Handlebar mustaches were the most detrimental, resulting in frequent, psychologically damaging encounters with members of the "porcine" family of mammals.

These "hairs or bristles growing near the mouth of an animal," as mustaches are more commonly known, result in immediate problems. When the hairs are groomed and cultivated, the results can be deadly: the study cites two attacks on people with trimmed mustaches in the Duluth neighborhood of "Gary-New Duluth" during the past four months. In those attacks, the assailant was never identified; it appears unlikely that it was a member of the "porcine" family of mammals, but it remains possible that the attacks could've been perpetrated by a related mammal.

"There ain't no way I'm givin' up my moustaki," said an old greek logger, fond of using the language of the old country to describe the excessive facial hair found on his upper lip. "No question, she's a sign of the times," he continued, "when you're dealin' with them uppity big-wigs at the college. They don't know a pinch." The logger was vague about whether he'd ever experienced any trauma due to his "moustaki," but cautioned that women with substantial hair should be avoided. "It ain't right, no. Why, I've seen them women comin' outta bars in Tofte with more hair on their upper lip than I grown my whole life."

The paper will be published in the December edition of the Journal of Follicle Science. To help inform the public, the research team will give free presentations on the subject at various Duluth locations after publication.