Saturday, September 8

Vanishing Vistas Exploding at the Seams

Vanishing Vistas, Duluth's most popular nursing home, is preparing for a major expansion. General Manager Milt Nutong estimates they will be under construction by October. "We've never seen such demand for our services. And when I say services, I mean it - we have a lot of services to offer."

Aside from just offering basic nursing home services such as assistance with daily activities, Vanishing Vistas goes above and beyond to ensure that all its resident's needs are met. Long time resident Juniper Total, 89, emphasizes the benefits of living there, saying "I've been here since I was 45. And it's not just for the massages and regular sun tanning on the roof. I really rely on the day to day environment - from the marching bands that visit every Tuesday to the scientific lectures all the way to the regular male reviews held on Friday and Saturday nights. Oh, I just love those handsome young men!" Ms. Total declined to explain the reason she was in the nursing home, although she did appear to have some sort of nervous tick that caused her to regularly swing her arms like a bird.

The Vistas will expand by 90 beds, bringing the total number of patients at the facility to 250. Nutong estimates that most of the residents at his facility live longer lives, and that is the primary reason the expansion is needed. Nutong also deflects criticism: "I know many people say we're fleecing the system. But we're totally legit. The amount we are spending to provide these elderly patients with nude entertainment is a minimal percentage in comparison to their total cost of care. And there's nowhere that it states that MediCare can't be used to pay for entertainment. Nowhere does it say nudity is forbidden."