Monday, September 10

Gourds on The Water


A large container ship spilled 200 tons of gourds into the waters of St. Louis Bay today. The largest gourds, gigantic pumpkins destined for the Indiana State Fair, have clumped together in the Duluth shipping canal, blocking the canal and halting all shipping traffic. Officials estimate that gourd removal will begin at 4:00 AM Thursday.

"Gourd removal is really no easy task," according to Chip Kosmas, director of port security. "You have to be extra careful removing a gourd. I know some port directors take a more agressive approach, like just shooting the gourds. That's a risky approach. Gourd explosion is a major killer on the great lakes."

The Chinese ship Wu Tang, in port collecting grain and coal, had intended to leave at 6:25 on Monday. Due to the blocked canal, the Wu Tang won't leave port until Friday. "We will lose many days at sea due to these gourds," the captain stated in anger.

Gourd removal will involve gourd isolation and gourd sinking. To guarantee no gourd-related oily residue atop the Bay, the gourds must be filled with hard water in a precise manner. The hard water must be 25% lead to ensure they remain at the bottom of the Bay. The massive pumpkins blocking the canal will be lifted onto a barge and transported back to the Superior Gourd Transport Facility. It is likely that they will be again shipped to Indiana after gourd processing and cleanup.