Monday, September 17

Ceiling Fan Attacks Woman

"It just came down at me, like someone dropped it off the Empire State Building!"

Heloise Humphrey, age 52, was attacked by her ceiling fan early Monday morning while enjoying a delicious breakfast of grits. "And grits aren't easy to come by in these parts, either, y'know," explained Humphrey from her bed at St. Mary's.

According to her police report, the fan "jumped off the ceiling like it was possessed, like it wanted blood," and after severely maiming Humphrey, it "flew right out the window - there wasn't anything that was going to stop it then!" The fan landed somewhere below the window on 3rd Street West. It was discovered by several passers-by who commented that "it just keeps spinning.. never seen that before."

Humphrey does not believe the ceiling fan sought her in particular. However, in her panic, eyewitnesses reported hearing her scream "just leave me be! It's not my time!" The police, who arrived on the scene just minutes after the disaster, believe the fan may have been improperly wired. Officer Jeffers, senior investigator, explained that "there have been some reports of a haunting. That doesn't seem likely at this point. More likely, a solar flare caused a power surge, and it was too much for the old fan to handle."

The fan has been removed to Zenith Terrace, where it will find a second home.