Wednesday, September 19

Activists Seek to Halt Time

Armed with little more than erroneous facts and pocket knives, local activists today attempted to halt time. With cries of "We require permanence," and "Down with change," the group known as "Halt Time Duluth" (HTD) broke into the major yearly performance of the Duluth-Superior Symphony Orchestra.

The DSSO had just started their rendition of "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by John Tesh when the melee broke out. The activists first directed their anger at the strings section, focusing mostly on the unfortunate cellos, who were closest to the rear entry. After finishing off the cellos, the activists turned on the flutes and quickly turned the instruments on the audience. The Duluth Police, unable to put a stop to the situation, called in the Duluth National Guard. The DNG had the situation under control by 9:30 PM, with ample time for the audience members who had stayed above the fray in the balcony section to have a post-melee beverage.

A spokesperson for HTD bellowed "We won't stand for this! No more Tesh!" It appears that HTD is mostly interested in renditions of songs by more popular actor/songwriters, like Kevin Bacon. "We liked his songs in Footloose! We can stand for that." Members of the Duluth PD were found snikering near the site of the statement, and responded that "those HTDs are real idiots. Don't they know that Kevin Bacon can't sing? He sounds like a leprechaun when he does!"

It is not clear at this time what either John Tesh or Kevin Bacon have to do with stopping time. Perhaps, in an error in judgment, the HTDs believed that time should be stopped with "Footloose." This, indeed, would be a tragedy.