Breaking News: Civil Unrest in Calabaza Alta Neighborhood

(Hermantown)

Unrest broke out at 4:45 PM Central Time in the normally quiet Hermantown neighborhood of Calabaza Alta. One protester, misunderstanding the potential of the forthcoming riot, called out "No more circus! Death to the clowns!" The woman, upset about an issue that was completely unrelated to the ongoing civil unrest, was quickly led away by the police.

Problems in Calabaza Alta began after an altercation over the sale of fancy mushrooms at a neighborhood farmer's market. The clerk, Norbert Kuprowski, was under the impression that he could not sell the mushrooms to anyone not wearing substantial amounts of bling. Kuprowski stated that "my boos explain the mushrooms only to silver and gold representative," and went on further to make clear (through a translator) that his superiors had already allocated the day's worth of fancy mushrooms to a wealthy client.

Edward Needham, a key agitator in the still-unfolding situation, believes the insurrection will achieve its means. "I'm pretty clear on one thing, that we aren't driving trucks around into mailboxes for nothing. No, we're here to spread a message - fancy mushrooms aren't just for some meddling cake-eater from Two Harbors." Asked how a disruption to mail service would send that point, Needham replied, "Well, it's pretty clear if I say it is."

Police Chief Peabody has stated that anyone participating in the melee will be dealt with quickly and without remorse. Peabody issued a proclamation that "the Calabaza Alta market will open tomorrow, come fancy mushrooms or green beans." Residents applauded the Chief's quick action and pleaded for a reasonable conclusion on the part of both sides.