Thursday, November 2

Stupid Man Attempts Theft

(Duluth, MN)

A young man today attempted to steal building materials from a construction site in West Duluth. The young man, wearing a red "Abercrombie and Fitch" hat, stole 5 rolls of roofing paper from the construction site in an incredibly blatant and obvious manner.

Gil Alcott, who witnessed the crime, had this to say: "I've never seen such a blatant theft. Here is this guy, probably 23 years old, stealing roofing tar. Sure, it's night. But the rolls of paper were just sitting on this brightly lit corner, ready to be used in the morning. And people were driving by! So, I jotted down his license plate number and followed him home."

Alcott conducted a citizen's arrest at the young man's home, where the young man stated he had nothing to hide. Because Alcott caught the entire theft on video using his camera phone function, it quickly became clear that the young man did indeed have something to hide - in the trunk of his 1998 Nissan Altima.

Prosecutors have indicated that the young man will likely have to serve a minimum of 30 days in jail, even though the materials were returned. "A crime like this, well it has to be punished to the maximum extent of the law," said the Prosecutor, "if only because the offender is so obviously stupid."