Sunday, August 13

The Weather, She's a-Changin'

Sailing on Lake Superior in January? Ice skating, hockey, and snowboarding in June? Desert-type weather in March? These results, and more, will be the outcomes of global warming as it affects the 46th Parallel. This is according to a report of the Arrowhead Meterological Summary, coming out Wednesday, August 15, 2006.

The report, leaked by an anonymous source, is a quarterly publication of the well-respected Arrowhead Meteorlogical Society (also known as the AMS). The AMS has been issuing such reports for over 110 years; this is the first report to directly deal with the effects of global warming.

Erik Lundegaard, the Spade's erstwhile staff meteorologist, had this to say: "I've been reading the AMS's reports for over 12 years, and these results are both credible and disturbing. It appears as though our lives are about to be flipped, or turned upside down. Now, I'd like to take a minute (so just sit right there) I'll tell how I came to know of this major scare."

Lundegaard greatly simplified the results of the AMS study. He stated, "Things really have been flipped upside down. And sideways, for that matter. The geostrophic winds have caused much of the change. As these winds catch more carbon, they create major down-drafts. These downdrafts are pushing the planet out of its typical motion. Instead of rotating in a circular motion, the downdrafts are forcing the planet to wobble erratically. However, this erratic motion can be scientifically mapped. We can predict, for example, that we will have summer-like conditions in January of 2009; it is likely that Lake Superior will be warm enough for swimming. And, in March of 2012, we will experience a major draught - sand dunes will form from Hibbing to Hermantown. But don't be alarmed. By July of that year, we will have had 4 feet of snow, and the draught will be over for the next two decades."

Summer becomes winter, and spring becomes fall? While the general pattern can be considered a departure from the normal conditions, it is expected that the weather will have minimal impacts on shipping traffic and the ecology of the Arrowhead region. The results of the AMS study are available at this website. The AMS will issue an updated report next month, as it is expected that major policy decisions will be made based directly on the information found in this document.