Friday, August 4

New Solution for Old Woes

A local committee has presented a possible solution to Duluth’s financial woes: secession. According to secession proponent William Rogers, seceding from the United States would solve all of the problems currently plaguing the city. “It’s simple, when you think about it. If Duluth were an independent country, it wouldn’t have to comply with all these laws and regulations. We could do whatever we want.” The committee is also stressing other perks of independence, such as the chance to legalize the importation of mongooses, create prettier money, and designate a national anthem (at press time, two of the more popular choices were “Suspicious Minds” and “(I’ve Had the) Time of My Life.”)

One snag in the secession plan was how the city would stay solvent without state aid. Williams claims this problem will be solved by issuing letters of marque and reprisal that would authorize agents to seize property and raid merchant ships. “Duluth has some excellent mariners. With all that commercial traffic on Lake Superior…I don’t think we’d have any trouble…”

A poll shows that Duluth 23% of citizens favor secession, 14% oppose the idea, and 63% were indifferent.

Citizens of neighboring cities are worried about the consequences of Duluth seceding. Proctor resident Susan White is one of those opposed to the move. “I don’t want to be living next to a renegade pirate nation. Just seems like nothing but trouble. If it happens, we’ll have to build a wall around the city. That’s all there is to it.”