Wednesday, February 23

Cryogenically Frozen Man Awakens; Is Confused


A man who was cyrogenically frozen in or around 1963 as part of a cold-war experiment awoke today in Duluth. Ultra Labs, where the man had been stored, was abuzz with excitement after it became apparent that the man's defrosting was accidental.

It is alleged that the night janitor may have accidentally bumped an important switch, turning off the cooling pumps. As the man began the defrostation process, it was clear to all observers that he was completely incoherent. For a time, he seemed to believe he was a woman. He then thought he had returned to earth from the planet A-72 until he had been awake for about 5 hours, at which point he began to realize he was human.

The man's identity remains unknown. He appeared to have no idea of his location, sex, name, or age. According to Ultra's records, the man was frozen by the government in Las Vegas; records containing data regarding his family, hometown, status, and ancestry were all lost in Ultra's last merger.

The man remains in good condition at St. Mary's medical center. It is unclear what he will do next. Until he decides, St. Mary's has volunteered to provide him with free treatment. The generous hospital has assigned three staff members to help acquaint the man with modern conveniences including moving walkways, the ionic breeze, and massage chairs. It is rumored that one staff member intends to trick the man into believing that flying cars are now commonplace. Such practical jokes occur quite often in cases of accidental defrostings.

This is the third accidental defrosting in the United States this year. The most famous cyrogenically frozen person who was accidentally defrosted was Ted Williams, who awoke in 2003 to find that the reasons for which he had been frozen were no longer relevant.